Updated: Aug 5, 2020
S- You spent the last 72 hours on Facebook? Do you realize how long 72 hours is?
K- Do you realize that Facebook can help you find the girl who sat behind you in college? I just found the girl who sat behind me and I looked at all her photographs. She’s posted 57 pictures of her hand.
S- Wow, was she on drugs?
K- I think they were supposed to be artistic or something. Anyway, she said she remembers sitting behind me in college which is so awesome because I remember sitting in front of her!
S- Why did she post 57 pictures of her hand?
K- I think some of them were of her kid.
S- That must be a weird-looking kid if it looks like a hand.
K- Anyway, I have to go work on my 25 Random Things You Should Know About Me list. I really want it to be funny and irreverent and thought-provoking and serious and heartwarming and edgy and funny.
S- And awesome?
K- And awesome. Definitely awesome.
S- Maybe there’s an online tutorial for that. How To Write A 25 Random Things You Should Know About Me List That Is Funny and Irreverent and Thought-Provoking and Serious and Heartwarming and Edgy and Awesome.
K- I’m going to go check.
K- It took me three whole days but it’s finally finished. And it is awesome.
S- Please please please don’t read it to me. Please.
K- Random fact #1. I love running marathons.
S- You mean you love watching people run marathons on TV.
K- Same thing. Random Fact #2. I love poor orphans.
S- You mean you love watching poor orphans on TV so you can change the channel if they aren’t singing and dancing properly.
K- Look, if I had to choose between a movie about aliens and a movie about poor orphans, I would choose the orphans. It’s like charity, if you think of charity as a non-conventional creatively ideative concept type thing entity thing.
S- An organically cooperative alternative creatively ideative concept type thing entity thing.
K- Exactly. Random Fact # 3. I am a medical marvel because I have two hearts.
S- Ok, not only is that gross, it’s a total lie whereas the other two are only partial lies.
K- How about I say I had one heart but I donated it to Africa?
S- Why are you lying like this on a random Facebook list?
K- Because I’m Facebook friends with people who say they’ve sailed around the world in shoeboxes and built solar-powered cars with chewing gum.
S- Who are these people?
K- I don’t really know, they’re Facebook friends.
S- So you’re making a list of lies to share with people you don’t really know.
K- I know the girl who sat behind me in college. Although I have this nagging feeling I actually sat in the last row. Oh my God.
K- What if she’s really some obsessed person who’s stalking me on Facebook? What if she has nude pictures of me?
S- Oh my God! What if she took the nude pictures when she was sitting behind you in college?
K- Oh my God!
S- What if she’s really a sidey old uncle? Or aunty? What if she’s a sidey old uncle AND aunty?
K- OH MY GOD!
S- You should double-check those hand pictures. They probably aren’t hands at all.
K- Don’t say that!
S- They’re probably…oh, I can’t even say.
K- OH MY GOD! I’m going to go check. OH MY GOD!
S- You must have gone to a very sidey college if you had aunties and uncles sitting behind you taking nudie pictures.
from The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, January 16, 2010