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  • Kuzhali Manickavel

Conversations- The Conversation Terrorist

Updated: Aug 4, 2020

S- You’re kidding, right?

The Conversation Terrorist- You don’t want to talk to me. I can tell.

S- How can you say that?? I’ve been talking to you for the past 6 hours when there was nothing to talk about in the first place.

The Conversation Terrorist- You never want to talk to me. You talk to everyone else but you never talk to me.

S- It’s humanly impossible for this conversation to go on. If we keep going, someone will go crazy and start eating their own face. And by someone I mean me.

The Conversation Terrorist- See? You don’t want to talk to me.

14 hours later.

The Conversation Terrorist- So. Tell me something.

S- I can’t feel my ears. Also, I feel like killing myself. Repeatedly.

The Conversation Terrorist- You’re acting like you don’t want to talk to me.

3 days later.

S- I need to go to the bathroom.

The Conversation Terrorist- You can take your phone into the bathroom, no? Unless you don’t want to talk to me.

S- No no. You’re right. I’ve always wanted you to hear me pee.

The Conversation Terrorist- Don’t drop the phone down the toilet. If you do, I’ll think you don’t want to talk to me.

5 days later. The Conversation Terrorist- I think you don’t want to talk to me.

S- Sorry, I fell asleep.

The Conversation Terrorist- Because you don’t want to talk to me.

S- One day, possibly very soon, I will die. Who will you talk to then?

The Conversation Terrorist- No idea. You have any suggestions?

The next day

K- OHAI!!!

The Conversation Terrorist- It’s 3 in the morning. K- Why didn’t you call me?

The Conversation Terrorist- It’s 3 in the morning.

K- Is it? I don’t have any clocks in my house.

The Conversation Terrorist- Why not?

K- I don’t believe in time. I think it’s a CIA plot.

The Conversation Terrorist- My father thinks the CIA are the ones causing all the problems at the CWG.

K- Your father sounds like a great man. Actually why I called you means…

8 seconds later

The Conversation Terrorist- Hello?

K- Yes?

The Conversation Terrorist- Why aren’t you saying anything? Why you called means?

K- Oh right! Why I called means I wanted to warn you about what happens sometimes when people call me.

The Conversation Terrorist- You put your phone in the mixie.

K- I only did that once. What happens is sometimes people call me and all their major internal organs just spontaneously fall out of their body. Has that ever happened to you?

The Conversation Terrorist- Why do you say such things? I think maybe a lot of people find it very irritating when you say things like this. Especially when you call at 3 in the morning.

K- I think maybe a lot of people can go fuck themselves.

The Conversation Terrorist- I think you only use such language because you really don’t want to talk to me. K- Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

The Conversation Terrorist- See?

K- Fuckity Fuckity fuckfuckfuck.

The Conversation Terrorist- I know you don’t want to talk to me but- Hello?

16 seconds later.

K- I hung up on you.

The Conversation Terrorist- I thought it got cut.

K- No, I hung up on you because I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.

The Conversation Terrorist- Ok, be serious now. Tell me what you’re doing. K- I heard you do a lot of drugs, is this true?

The Conversation Terrorist- Chee, I never do such things.

K- Do you eat fetuses?

The Conversation Terrorist- What?

K- You must never eat a fetus. You must also never shake your uterus. If you don’t have a uterus, you must never go and shake someone else’s uterus.

The Conversation Terrorist- Did you say ‘eat a fetus’?

K- Do you take Crocin?

The Conversation Terrorist- Sometimes if I have headache I-

K- That means you do drugs. You’re a crack whore.

The Conversation Terrorist- Why won’t you be serious and just tell me what you’re doing.

K- I’m talking on the phone with a crack whore.

The Conversation Terrorist- I’m not a- hello? Hello?

20 seconds later.

K- I hung up again. I think maybe you don’t want to talk to me because you’re a crack whore. Is this true? The Conversation Terrorist- I think maybe-

K- I heard that all your ancestors had non-consensual sex with dead trees. Is this true? I won’t judge you but I do want to say that consensual sex is always the best kind of sex. You may want to share that with your people.

The Conversation Terrorist- Are you saying bad things about my family?

K- I feel like you don’t really want to talk to me but you’re pretending to because you want to have non-consensual sex with the dead trees of my own ancestral properties. I feel used. The Conversation Terrorist- I –

K- My ancestral property trees are not dead yet! I don’t have any ancestral property trees!

The Conversation Terrorist- Ok, this is-

K- WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME?

The Conversation Terrorist- I really don’t-

K- WHY?

The Conversation Terrorist- I –

K- WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? Hello? Lisa? Have you ever considered changing your name to Lisa? Hello?

*****

S- I regret to inform you that The Conversation Terrorist’s number seems to have changed.

K- Oh.

S- Someone said they’re hiding in Greenland but it’s all just speculation at this point.

K- You think they’re hiding because they don’t want to talk to me?

S- Yes.

K- Do you want to talk to me?

S- No.

K- I’ll just go talk to myself then.

S- I think that would be best for everyone involved.