• Kuzhali Manickavel

Conversations- There Is Nothing At All and Whatever

Updated: Aug 4, 2020

I have had immense enjaiments reading some of the transcripts of the Radia tapes because I think they are neat. I used to like reading plays because of the dialogue but these transcripts are better because they are shorter, and the language is, to quote SHINee, so fantastic, fantastic, fantastic, fantastic, elastic, elastic, elastic, elastic. So it’s like the Radia Tapes are the flash fiction of dialogue but not really. These transcripts often differ from the actual audio, which makes them even neater and I wonder if Azhagiri feels bad that everyone keeps calling him Ara Giri. Anyhoo, as a way of showing my appreciations for these transcripts, I tried to do one number thing. I have taken a transcript of a conversation Nira Radia had with that epitome of journalistic epitomes, Vir Sanghvi, which can be found in its originality here. I’ve left Nira Radia’s responses untouched. But I removed Vir Sanghvi from the conversation and replaced it with k from the k&s conversations sometimes seen on this blog because s was not available for the usual conversation and when your buddy s lets you down, the next best person to talk to is Nira Radia. The title of this post is a line that Radia actually says during this conversation, which I thought was just the neatest thing ever.

Other kinds of neat things are also-

This parrot singing Bodies by Drowning Pool, which is both epic and also incredibly sad.

C’est Chaud, Ca Brûle – Magic System with Cheb Bilal and Big Ali

Un Gaou A Oran – Magic System with 113 and Mohamed Lamine

African Tonic – Mohamed Lamine with Mokobe & Mory Kante

Something which isn’t neat at all was when I saw this ad issued by the Ministry of Agriculture and it said ‘Detect the adulteration yourself! Never compromise on your health!’ By the by, they are meaning adulteration of the foodstuffs. So I thought Ok! Tell me how I can detect adulteration myself! And I found that all I needed to detect food adulteration all by myself was some HCl, iodine solution, test tubes and carbon tetrachloride, which I guess are all things commonly and readily available in all real Indian households. So not only is this further proof that I am fraudIndian, I’m going to die of food adulteration also.



K: ohai!

Niira: Hi Vir. Where are you Delhi or…

K: Hai Vir!!! Is that what we’re calling each other now? It’s weird but whatever! Anyway, I just got back from the dentist! No one ever talks to me when I get back from the dentist because I’m high as a fucking…thing that is very high. You are the only person who will talk to me. Nee thaan yennaku true friend. You know what that means? It means- hey, you know what? My hand looks FABULOUS! Do you have any hands? I bet they don’t look as good as mine.

Niira: Okay. I just wanted to, I’ve been talking to my Tamil Nadu friends.

K: Do your Tamil Nadu friends have hands? I understand some people in Tamil Nadu have them and they are often used for purposes like carrying various items and also to wave at people. Maybe people in other countries and cultures do this too. Maybe this is what makes us all the same and things like that!

Niira: I just need to, I don’t know whether you are in the position to get through to anyone at Congress. I just met Kanni just now.

K: Am I in a position to get through to anyone at Congress. This is an excellent question. I am going to say yes I probably am but I am not aware of this because right now, all my awareness is focused on the awesomeness that is my hand.

Niira: And I’ve been, you know, we reunited since yesterday. The problem is…

K: The problem is that you ain’t got no pancake mix. Don’t worry, I ain’t gots none either because Indians aren’t supposed to eat pancakes anyway, we’re supposed to eat dosas. You got any dosa mix? And isn’t it shameful for allegedly Indian women to use dosa mix anyway? These all such important questions for the considerations.

Niira: No, I’ll tell you what – they are not understanding that they are actually communicating with the wrong guy. Not because I detached Maran but actually the father has not nominated Maran to negotiate. Now, you know, it’s like a banana republic where the cabinet…

K: How exactly did you detach Maran? Actually don’t answer that, I don’t want to know because it sounds gross. Also, the cabinet is actually a great place for banana storage purposes, especially if you are having rat problem. Maran is having rat problem?

Niira: No. He is not, he is not. I know, no. But the Congress is under the impression. They have already apparently indicated to Maran that the Prime Minister will not give infrastructure berth to DMK, which, but he himself is desperately pushing for an infrastructure berth for himself.

K: You know, once we had rat problem and the cockyfucker went and died inside the house and it smelled like anything. I think the best solution is to get those blue biscuit things and make sure the rat eats them and you don’t eat them also. Latter is very important for good health and well-being of the common people also.

Niira: But the problem is that there is a leader which is Kanni’s brother which is Azhagiri, who’s won that election and he is a mass leader.

K: Really? What I can say is that I don’t have anything to say on mass leaders. But what I can say is that when I was in school, we had assistant class leaders, which shortens into ass class leaders. This is kind of like mass leaders but not really. Also, it’s not nice also. You know what’s nice though? My hand. It’s really nice. It’s the nicest hand I have ever seen in my entire life.

Niira: Now what has apparently Maran has gone and indicated to Congress is that he will accept a MOS independent and you leave it with me, everything will be okay. 

K: In college, they had student assistant secretaries and they were known as ass secs, which is much worse than ass class. There would be announcements saying all girls please attend the ass secs meeting and then the girls would get in trouble for not going for ass secs meetings. Also no one really listened to these girls either so the population as a whole would get in trouble for not taking ass secs seriously. This is not to be confused with AISEC meetings, which sometimes people called I Suck meetings. All this ass and secks and sucking is very much against the Indian culture I feel.

Niira: Which blames Balu, Raja and Maran Cabinet posts independent to Azhagiri and MOS to Kanni. 

K: You can blame it on the boogie also. And the rain. Because remember, whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you.

Niira: Now, Azhagiri is a very, you know, he is, he is a mass leader. He controls half of Tamil Nadu for Karunanidhi’s point of view.

K: Who controls the other half? Can I control the other half? Because my hand looks FANTASTIC, how fantastic I can’t even say. You know who else has nice hands? Karu Uncle. If you look at some of his pictures, you’ll notice his hands are very nice or at least they look nice sometimes in some pictures. So I think this makes me a great candidate for controlling half of Tamil Nadu because I think my hand looks nicer than his.

Niira: He is far too, too senior for Maran. So, what he has told his father that if you make Maran a cabinet minister…

K: You mean a minister for the cabinet with the bananas?

Niira: …I’ll not come into the cabinet. And the father cannot afford to upset him because…

K: This is very understandable. Also, it seems to me that it’s not a good idea for anyone, your good self included, to get into a cabinet, especially if there are already bananas in there. I’m just saying.

Niira: …simply because of his position.

K: Exactly. I mean, we need to think, what will be his position? His position will be sitting on the bananas and that’s not good for the bananas and the cabinet might fall down also. Like, that’s just what I feel. My opinion only.

Niira: Right now the Congress doesn’t seem to be understanding this. 

K: That’s too bad. Obviously they are having very poor comprehension skills. Draw them a diagram, no? Show them cabinet this size, has to accommodate bananas, so on, so forth. My hand is starting to look weird now.

Niira: They need to, look, they need to talk directly to Karunanidhi, they need to talk to Kanni.

K: This makes a lot of sense because if you need to talk to someone directly, the best way to do this is to talk to someone else. Also, Kanni means fruit and banana is a fruit so she is the natural choice for intermediary fruit discussion purposes. Has she spoken to the bananas directly? Or at least the head banana?

Niira: No, she didn’t speak to him. Only Prime Minister spoke even that was Kanni was translating for him. It was very brief that, you know, let’s try and resolve this issue. There is nothing at all and whatever. They need to get Ghulam Nabi Azad to speak to Kanimozhi. 

K: I think everyone should just have a banana. But maybe the bananas might not like the idea because they don’t want people to eat them because they are bananas.

Niira: Seriously, that’s the only thing that will work and Kanni will take them to her father.

K: I don’t think that should be a problem, as long as she is not taking them to Karu Uncle for eating purposes. Does he eat bananas?

Niira: No. But they need to speak to Kanni and Kanni will take him to their, her father directly.

K: Take them in a fruit basket. I have one you can use. Actually it’s an old bucket but you can use it anyway. Is there any problem with the cabinet? Because I have another old bucket you can use if there is cabinet problem.

Niira: He has no problem with three cabinet berths at all. In fact it is the Congress that messed it up.

K: No problem no problem, this bucket can also be used in place of the Congress. It’s multipurpose bucket. It has no handle also.

Niira: Had they, had they not kept on insisting and kept on pushing Maran forward themselves have been pushing Maran forward. They would have left it to Raja and, and Balu even if they wanted or Raja and Azhagiri and Kanni would taken independent, nobody will, it is Congress they started this whole Maran dialogue. 

K: Well, I think we can agree on one thing. All of them are not going to fit in the cabinet. Especially if the bananas are already in there. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Niira: No. No. No. No, they did, they’ve sent a list earlier with five portfolios and Maran’s name because father was pushed … so he had to send a list with everybody’s name on it. But he was hoping that Congress would come back and say okay we will accept Raja or we will not, or not Raja, we will give you only three portfolios right? But they have not able to, the communication that’s been happening in Congress with DMK has been complete warped. They are talking to the wrong guys.

K: I understand. It is also obvious that the bananas are the most powerful entities at the moment and the only ones who know what is going on. After all, they are occupying the cabinet, no?

Niira: The, the simplest way is Kanni [Indiscernible] [0:03:24]. 

K: Naturally, you need to exploit that fruit connection as much as you can. You can call it the Tutti Frutti Talks. Once I heard this dude call it Tyootee Frootee but he also said syoot instead of sweet. So maybe he was just foreign or had some disease.

Niira: And Kanni [Indiscernible] [0:03:27] will take them to her father directly.

K: Right. But make sure you’re prepared for any and all eventualities, ah? Because if he eats bananas, then what will you have? Banana peels. Cows like banana peels. Putting cows inside cabinets, very difficult. So difficult I cannot tell.

Niira: And they can have this, you know, whatever are the, the concerns, whatever they want to say, let them say in front of Kanni. 

K: You know what I think? I think right now that as bananas, their major concerns would be that they don’t get eaten by anyone.

Niira: Yeah, they should say, they should say we don’t want Maran.

K: They should say we don’t want Maran or anyone eating us because that’s mean and we would die.

Niira: But the moment you drop Maran, your problem gets resolved because Azhagiri has done okay. 

K: I’m sure the bananas don’t want Azhagiri to eat them either. That’s just my opinion though.

Niira: Yeah.

K: Listen, why don’t you do one thing. Change your last name to Radio. Then your name will be Nira Radio, like Near A Radio and that would be neat. Why don’t you just try it out now, just chumma?

Niira: Okay. Give him this message. She is right now…

K: …Near A Radio. See? Do you see what I’m saying? It would be so useful for your name to also pinpoint your location also. Like a GPS name. So like if someone says who is that lady and where is she, I can say Near A Radio and that’s neat for all people involved. I think maybe you’d have to make sure you were near a radio at all times but whatever. Why don’t you try again?

Niira: [Indiscernible] [0:03:51] She is in her South Avenue residence.

K: Ah, see? That sounds boring. So instead, you can say She is Near A Radio instead, because that’s interesting even if it’s not necessarily true. Try again.

Niira: I just met her.

K: I just met Near A Radio. See? Isn’t that neat? Again, go again.

Niira: And some Tamil Nadu Congress guys also want just now to meet her.

K: Some Tamil Nadu Congress guys also want just now to meet Near A Radio. I think you’re getting the hang of this. Keep practicing and you can get PhD in this or something also.

Niira: I don’t think it needs to be done at that level. It needs to be done at, at Ghulam Nabi Azad level or…

K: Ok, PhD don’t want, you try for first rank in Ghulam Nabi Azad levels or whatever ranking systems they are having. Study hard and drink Complan. And don’t forget to change your last name to Radio.

Niira: Yeah.

K: I’m going to hang up now because I think my hand has fallen off or something because I can’t see it anymore.