Conversations- There’s Something Here From Somewhere Else
Updated: Aug 4, 2020
Before we get into the Conversations, I want to say that
1. As an alleged Indian, an alleged writer but more importantly, as a person with a blog, it is my patriotic duty to say something about that whole Arundhati Roy- Kashmir Kerfuffle. Next time can we please make this about Chetan Bhagat, Naxalites and genetically-modified eggplants? Because then peepal could use the Naxalites as an excuse to unload all their Chetan Bhagat hate (which is silly because nobody hates Chetan Bhagat. also SHUTUP YOURS BLEDDY FEMALE MOUTHS!!!! ANYONE HATES CHETAN BHAGAT MEANS SUCH FOOLS ARE ANTI-INDIAN AND AGAINST COMMON PEOPLES!!!) and they can do all this while totally not talking about the Naxalites at all. I feel the genetically-modified eggplants would lend a scientific touch to the whole show because science is awesome.
2. I will not be blogging next month.
3. This Conversations title is actually a line stolen from the original version of this song.
S- I’ve heard that phrase a lot though. ‘It smelled as bad as day-old Indian food.’ Seems to be a popular way of describing very bad smells in America. Makes you wonder what they’re putting in the “Indian food” over there, no?
K- Decayed Indians probably. Also, what does this say about us who live in India and often eat day-old food and don’t think it smells bad?
S- I think it means we are dirty savages that eat gross things. They should have a Discovery program about us called ‘Ew Gross!- Indians Who Eat Day Old Indian Food In India!’ With a nice white host who makes faces into the camera and describes in a historical, cultural and geographic context how gross we are.
K- Do we have to put bones through our noses?
S- No, that’s only for Africans. Speaking of which-
K- Oh right! You are getting some international guestsoos, no?
S- South African guestoos, very exciting. You know anything about South Africa? Apart from the fact that they have a cricket team?
K- Oh, South Africans are cool! Unless of course they are white, in which case they are all racist and apartheid and stuff.
S- My guestoos are white.
S- This is when you say ‘Just because they are white and from South Africa does not mean they are racist and apartheid and stuff.’
K- But I saw this documentary and all the white South Africans were racists and white supremacists and like ‘oh we really dig apartheid’ and stuff.
S- What kind of documentary was this?
K- It was about white supremacists in South Africa.
S- You don’t think it’s a little fuckwitted to assume all white South Africans are white supremacists because of some documentary you saw?
K- It was a very classy documentary! The person doing the voice-over had a British accent!
S- Well that changes everything.
K- Theoretically your theory is fine in theory, you silly little uterus-carrier. But if you had a prostate, you would know that there was also that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio in it and he was also racist and South African and he called everyone bru. Like the coffee. Ithu Bru Ma!
S- Did you just call me a uterus-carrier?
K- Yes, bru.
S- What about your uterus?
K- I don’t think there’s any need to be obscene and drag my uterus into this.
S- I think I shouldn’t talk to you about this anymore because you don’t know anything but you just keep talking.
K- Also, going by the movie The Gods Must Be Crazy, I believe it’s customary to welcome white South Africans with some kind of choir-like song. Like Rasaathi from Thiruda Thiruda. I’ll come over and we can sing for them and wave our hands and be very non-threatening.
S- Ok, before I go, one number question. I’m doing an informal poll-type thing. What do you know about Kashmir?
K- Bhumbro! Nice song, no? How did it go? Bhumbro, bhumbro….bhumbro….bhumbro….
S- Very complex lyrics.
K- I think there may be other words but ‘bhumbro’ is the core concept here.
S- And that’s all you know about Kashmir?
S- You know why fightingfighting?
K- Because…they are angry? About something?
S- You think maybe India has something to do with the fightingfi-
K- YOU FUCKING ANTI-PATRIOTIC FUCKING PAKISTANI FUCKING FUCKING FUCKER! HOW DARE YOU SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT INDIA!
S- I just-
K- KASHMIR BELONGS TO INDIA, YOU ANTI-PATRIOTIC ASSHOLE!
S- The people who live there-
K- WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE? KASHMIR BELONGS TO INDIA, YOU FUCKING PAKISTANI!
K- JAI HIND!!! YOU DACOITY GOONDA NAXALITE MAOIST FEMINIST!!!
K- So let me know what time you want me to come for the Welcome Dance. I will choreograph simple step we can do also.
Indian Weltanschauung*- What South African culture? South Africans have no culture! They are all rogues and rapists. They are like Australians only they live in Africa!
S- I thought since you lived there for a while maybe you knew some –
Indian Weltanschauung- I only socialized with Indians. From India. The Indians in South Africa are as bad as the whites. All loose women.
Indian Weltanschauung- See, I know too well about white South Africans. And what I can say is that all white South Africans are rogues and rapists.
S- But you never actually interacted with them.
Indian Weltanschauung- Chee. I never interact with such people. Rogues and rapists.
S- Didn’t you say the exact same thing about Americans?
Indian Weltanschauung- I know too well about Americans. Rogues and rapists.
S- And you know this because you lived in America for a while but you never interacted with Americans because you only hung out with Indians from India because the AmericanIndians were as bad as the whites, especially the loose women.
Indian Weltanschauung- Exactly.
S- You say that about all countries, no? Except India, of course.
Indian Weltanschauung- I’m very well traveled. I often go to new countries, experience new cultures and meet new people.
Indian Weltanschauung- I think maybe I should come to your house also, just as a precaution. These white South Africans can be very dangerous. Take it from me, I know them too well.
S- Um, one more thing, just a random question. What do you know about Kashmir?
Indian Weltanschauung- I know too well about Kashmiris. All rogues and rapists.
S- So you know about the fighting there.
Indian Weltanschauung- Big blow to India’s film industry. Basically it’s because all Kashmiris only know how to throw stones. Take it from me. I know them too well.
S- You think maybe India has something to do with the fighti-
Indian Weltanschauung- How dare you say such things?! India is great!
Indian Weltanschauung- India is great!
S- But there’s-
Indian Weltanschauung- India is great!
S- But some-
Indian Weltanschauung- India is great India is great India is great!
Indian Weltanschauung- I think maybe you are getting confused about all this, better you stop reading so much feminist propaganda.
SexehBewbies- DIE ANTWOORD!!
SexehBewbies- South African hip hop.
S- And this is all you know about South Africa?
SexehBewbies- Yes. I think they’re rapping in South African or something which is awesome because if I’m playing it and someone asks ‘What are they saying?’ then I go ‘South African hip hop, bru’ and they go like ‘Ohhh’ like they know I’m the man because I listen to South African hip hop. You know?
S- Maybe they’re rapping in Afrikaans.
SexehBewbies- Whatever. They did have one song which had this line that goes ‘no means yes’ and that was kind of rapey but it’s hard to tell if they were just being ironic or South African.
S- Maybe they were being rapey. The Indian Weltanschauung told me all white South Africans are rogues and rapists.
SexehBewbies- The Indian Weltanschauung told me all Indians who drink Rooh Afza are Pakistani spies.
S- Not rogues and rapists?
SexehBewbies- Rogues and rapists also. But mainly Pakistani spies. Hey, can I come and say hi to your South Africans? I can talk to them about Die Antwoord. Because if they are South African and white then they HAVE to like Die Antwoord and it will make them feel safe and at home to talk to a nice public Indian fellow who knows about Die Antwoord.
S- This could be like how you kept talking to those German people about Rammstein. Even though they kept telling you that they didn’t like Rammstein.
Sexehbewbies- I think they weren’t really German. How can you be German and not like Rammstein? That’s like being Japanese and not liking Dir En Grey.
S- One question I wanted to ask.
S- What do you know about Kashmir?
Sexehbewbies- I really don’t like Kashmir apples.
S- There’s also like that whole fightingfighting thing happening there also, no? Remember?
Sexehbewbies- Oh right! Yeah, that too.
S- You think maybe India has something to do with the fighti-
Sexehbewbies- Whoa, whoa, no need to get all Che Guevara there! Relax! What’s with the fascism?
Sexehbewbies- You’re getting all anarchist and anti-India and stuff and it’s not cool.
S- But I didn’t even-
Sexehbewbies- Stop it dude, you’re being gross! India is totally justified in doing whatever it’s doing up there. Don’t be all weird and Marxist and shit. It’s so fucking creepy when people get all Maoist and whatever.
S- You have no idea what’s happening in Kashmir do you.
Sexehbewbies- No. But India is awesome. I really don’t like those apples though.
K- But why??? I put nice step and all and practiced and everything! Very non-threatening steps also!
S- Well between you insisting on coming to sing Thiruda Thiruda welcome song, Indian Weltanschauung insisting on coming over to protect me from the raping white South Africans and SexehBewbies insisting on coming over to talk to them about Die Antwoord, I thought maybe better if I just met them somewhere else where you guys can’t find us. Especially since there are going to be some Kashmiris there also.
K- Oh nice. You’re hanging out with white supremacists and anti-India militants. Real patriotic. If I tweet about this, you’ll be in big trouble. People will call you names and they’ll do it in allcaps with lots of exclamation marks. And if we’re really pissed off, we’ll demand you get booked for sedation, seduction and Sadducees.
S- Look, if it makes you feel better, I’m sorry, the white South Africans are sorry for being white South Africans and the Kashmiris are sorry for being Kashmiris. In fact we’re all sorry for everything.
K- Whatever. Oh, I forgot to tell you. South Africans are into boars.
S- Maybe you mean Boer?
K- Is that not the South African word for boar?
K- South Africa is complicated.
S- At least it’s not as complicated as Kashmir.
K- Yeah. India is awesome. Jai Hind, man.
S- Jai Hind.
*I stole and modified this awesome name from what Supriya Nair used here because I am jetlagged so it’s totes ok to steal like that.