If I ever write a novel about three generations of an Indian family ripped asunder, thrown together and ripped asunder again by love, lust, freedom struggle/partition, brain drain, intercaste marriage, interracial marriage, no marriage, yes marriage, sometimes marriage, greed and other stuff, I will name this novel All These Bitches Is My Sons. The cover of this novel will have a mango that has mehndi hands and inside these mehndi hands will be a large Indian wedding with Indian food and Indian music and Indian people speaking Indian and then there will be a big Indian fight while a big Indian monsoon breaks over their Indian heads. All of this will be on the cover. All these bitches is my sons.
Pimpage Department
I have a new story up at DIAGRAM called A Basic Guide To Instigating Violence Among Gentoo Penguins In The Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Indian Slum. Many people have asked me what the Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Indian Slum is. That is such a lie. No one has ever asked me that.
I have a short story in the new issue of Versal, which is a literary magazine based in Amsterdam. Some people associate Amsterdam with free weed and believe it is just given away, freely and happily on those high and beautiful streets. Others associate Amsterdam with free sex where again, it is just being given away and all you have to do is extend your hand and say yes, I want that. I knew one person who, for reasons best known to herself, kept associating Amsterdam with hamsters.
ZOMG! Department
ZOMG! the The Blaft Anthology of Tamil Pulp Fiction – Volume 2 has revealed itself to this world and the world is aghast and agape and worried that it might not be able to withstand the awesomeness! ZOMG! It hasn’t blossomed in bookstores yet but you can order it online or if you’re in Chennai you can head over to Madras Terrace House and buy a copy. If you can’t do either of those things, wow sucks to be you.
The Junk Department
Oh you crazy, crazy manguys, doing chat roulette and getting flabbergasted by all those other guys out there who keep showing you their junk. That’s funny because it’s funny when a guy gets flashed by another guy, right? It’s like emasculating or something. Isn’t it a drag to be visually molested by some guy’s junk when you totally didn’t want to see his junk in the first place? It is my belief that unnecessary and uncalled for genitalia exhibitions by people who think their genitalia is worth exhibiting is kind of like stepping in poo.
That actually isn’t what I wanted to say.
I wanted to say that I learned two neat things recently and they are kind of connected and they both kind of come from the same place. So let’s say that you want to insult a group of women. This is something that both men and women want to do sometimes. Let’s say that you insult these women by calling them lesbian shitasses. Many people have a vague idea that words like ‘lesbian’ should not be used as an insult but they are not exactly sure WHY. The good news is that it is totes ok to do this if you later inform everyone that you are friends with nice lesbians. It is important to be firm on the fact that you are only friends with nice lesbians, which is like the important distinction white people of yesteryear (and sometimes of today) make about being friends with only the nice, noble colored savages instead of bad colored savages like myself. This line of thinking can be extended to making racist comments as well, as long as you make it clear that you once sat beside a nice colored person that one time. It can be helpful to keep a photograph of this incident handy so that you have proof of your privilege.
So from whence did all these worthy wells of knowledge spring? From Scott Baio. It feels weird to even type that. How many of us who crushed on Charles in Charge are now looking at Scott Baio and thinking oh my God, am I on drugs? Is he on drugs? Is everything on drugs?
T-Shirts Are Obscene and Against Indian Culture Except When A Man Wears Them And Then It’s Ok Department
Everyone on Youtube is making t-shirts. Even the Gingers Have Souls! kid is selling t-shirts. So it is clear that the reason why I am not selling t-shirts is because I am not on Youtube. If I was though, I would make ones with the following lines on them.
White Supremacists Are Just Like You And Me. Well Maybe Not Like You But They Are Like Me Because I Am A White Supremacist.
Women Writers Are Just Like You And Me Except Sometimes They Write Really Well And That Makes Them Like Men Which Also Makes Them Gay.
Gingers Are Just Like You And Me Except They Have Souls.
Colored Writers Are Just Like You And Me Except When They Don’t Write Like White People. When They Don’t Write Like White People They Are Ethnic, Ghetto, Incomprehensible Or Terrorists. Sometimes They Are EthnicGhettoIncomprehensibleTerrorists.
Jhumpa Lahiri Is Just Like You And Me Except She Is Not Related To Bappi Lahiri. Or Maybe She Is.
Mind-Blowing Writing Is Just Like Mind-Blowing Writing Except Sometimes In Some Places People Think It’s Not So Mind-Blowing But Those People Are Obviously Poopoo Heads So Whatever.
Everyone Is Just Like You And Me Except They Are All Unique And Different.
To add some ethnic authenticity to the mix, I thought I would use a local Tamil phrase I hear a lot, which says an unmarried woman is a ‘vazhaathu ponnu’. Or sloppily translated, a girl who hasn’t lived. At first I thought this was a really mean thing to say. Then I thought it was kind of cool, if you think of it as being in a an undead state of suspended animation. Being an equal opportunity person, I make t-shirt to say
Unmarried People Are Just Like You And Me Except They Haven’t Lived Which Means They Are Undead, Sparkly, Hot And Dangerous.
okbai