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  • Writer's pictureKuzhali Manickavel

and party and bullshit and party and bullshit and

Updated: Aug 3, 2020

This blog post title is taken from When The Revolution Comes by The Last Poets. It’s always awkward when people from third world countries quote lines like this because no one really knows what you mean by the word ‘party’. Once upon a time, when I was a youths, I went to a party. We all sat in a line of chairs and we got paper plates. And then we got mixture and one sweet and rose milk and I said I don’t want any rose milk and they all said ‘IT’S ROSE MILK!’ and stared at me and I was affrighted so I drank it and then I felt like dying because I hate rose milk so much like I can’t even say. Then all the engsters went out to play shuttle and they were asked to take me with them even though they tried very hard not to take me with them. But they were phail in this because the elders felt awkward having me sit there because they could never understand what I was saying and it was just awkward. It was the best shuttle game ever because engsters totes did not want me there either so that got boring after a while so I went back into the house and made the elders feel uncomfortable until it was time to go home. They didn’t invite me for any more parties. But I’m like whatever, your parties suck. And you can’t come to my parties either. I mean like, if I had parties.

It was Wyminz Dai, Batches!  I feel like ‘batches’ is a very realistic but also not very realistic way of portraying that kinda-but-not-really Canadia way of saying ‘bitches’. I also like the word Canadia. So as a woman, it behooves me to speak of wyminz day because if I don’t, it means I hate men which is SO not true because I think men are neat, especially this one. 

So I just want to take this opportunity to do two things. One, I would like to offer this article for reading, which is called The Careless Language of Sexual Violence. Oh noes! Not another chick talking about rape again! I know, right? Then I would also like to give a special belated wyminz dai shoutout to four particular entities that I think get overlooked on that very special day.

The Misogynistic Woman- Special salute to the lady assholes out there that remind us that misogyny is not a dude thing, it’s an asshole thing and just because you have a uterus does not mean you can’t be an asshole.

The Feminist Gay Dude- Also saluting the feminist dude who for some reason gets labeled gay for being a feminist. Maybe they should be called Feminist Lesbian Dudes instead. Because that will be matchingmatching with the lady feminists because all lady feminists are also lesbians because they can’t get a man or aren’t good Indians or something.

The Chocolate Guy- Big shoutout to that one guy who doesn’t really talk to you and then on women’s day, he will very seriously and somberly come up to you, give you a bar of chocolate and seriously and somberly shake your hand while saying ‘happy woman’s day’, somehow managing to give you the impression that he is both happy and sad that you are a woman. He will do this every year. If he forgets, he will give you a bar of chocolate the next day and apologize and seriously and somberly shake your hand while saying ‘belated happy woman’s day’. Chocolate Guy is righteous.

StupidFuckHead- I would also like to extend both my middle fingers in proud salute to that one person, male or female, who wants to know when Men’s Day is and then when Tranny Day is because that’s just so funny and then proceeds to tell rape jokes ‘in an ironic way’ because it’s wyminz dai and it’s just so funny you gaiz. 

‘what is the need?’ is a question I get asked a lot. What is the need to write this like this, what is the need to do that like that- sounds like a Celine Dion song, no? I also have my own ‘what is the need?’ questions and I thought it might be prudent to record them here from time to time because I have nothing better to do. Some of them aren’t mine, I just think they’re neat.

What Is The Need To Work For The Tehelka Robes?

I think the original question that was posed to me was ‘what is the need to work for the Tehelka rogues’ but I thought the person was saying ‘robes’ and I was like ‘Tehelka clothing line! That’s…weird! Are these robes like nighties?’ And I didn’t even know I was working for Tehelka, you gaiz! You learn a lot of neat stuff when you listen to other people.

What Is The Need To Know The Meaning of the Ringa Ringa Song? 

There are people who claim to my face that they know Telugu. But when it comes to telling me what the lyrics of this song mean, these people who claim they know Telugu either say ‘I don’t know this kind of Telugu’ or they don’t want to translate it because it is vulgar/obscene/somewhat/chee or they want to know where I heard the song so they can judge me. In spite of all this adversities, I have come to understand that the first line means ‘I am a posh posh foreigner who has come from the foreignland’. Or something like that. Anywai, I was thinking it would be so neat to sell NRIs t-shirts with this line on it. I also like how the Telugu word for ‘posh’ is ‘poshu’. 

What Is The Need To Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood?

There is absolutely no need for this. Don’t be a menace to south central while drinking your juice in the hood, you gaiz! I mean come on, they even made a movie about that. 

What Is The Need To Be A Complete Asshole And Then Tell Everyone ‘I Know I’m An Asshole’ After You’re Finished Being an Asshole? 

Dear AssholePerson. I feel like you’re doing this because you want us to give you a cookie. But we all know you’re an asshole too and no one’s giving us any cookies. Why only you should get cookie for something all are knowing from then itself I am not understanding. 

What Is The Need To Look At Pictures Of Shirtless Boo Boo Stewart?

There is no need to look at pictures of shirtless Boo Boo Stewart because Boo Boo Stewart was born in 1994 which makes him like 12 or something which makes you a pervy pedophile.

Why am I still writing about RuPaul when I can’t even watch the show anymore and my heart is broken and stuff like that? This is so much pathetic I say. It is like the lovefailure. I thought I should write a letter to RuPaul saying ‘Dear RuPaul, I really like your show. Why do you hate my face and not let me watch your show on teh internetz? I wish you were my mom. Will you be my mom?’ Anywai, LOOK WHAT I FOUND YOU GAIZ!! I found this tumblr called fuck yeah rupaul’s drag race. FUCK YEAH! And also this tumbler and this one dedicated to Raja! I will look at these tumblrs over and over and over and over again and pretend that I am watching the show!

This is so sad. I have officially gone to The Sad Place. It can’t possibly get any sadder than this. Wait a minute. Yes it can.

konichiwa, batches.


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