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  • Writer's pictureKuzhali Manickavel

Bring The Injuns Home!

Updated: Aug 5, 2020

American publications often carry well-informed and just all-round really great articles about Injun people as a whole. This is because as with people from many countries, Injuns are best understood as a conglomerate of individuals who are essentially all the same. In this way, Injuns and people from other non-American countries are kind of like the Borg. The Huffington Post recently carried a piece on how to date an Injun, which I can only hope will serve as a cultural guide for generations to come. However, I was greatly shocked and saddened when I read a piece about Injuns in Time. This article is by a very sad man called Joel Stein. And Joel Stein is sad because his hometown is being taken over by Injuns. There are Injun restaurants and Injun cinemas and perhaps worst of all, there are Injun people.

I read this and could not help thinking that many years ago, in my own one number country, the same thing happened. White people began popping up all over the place and before we knew what was happening, we were the new fuckdoll for the British Empire. And they were here for a very long time. In many ways, they are still here and they will never leave.

We can’t let this happen to America. America is our friend. America might invade us if we aren’t nice to them. But perhaps most importantly, America is for Americans. So as a patriotic Injun speaking to fellow patriotic Injuns, I ask that you all consider joining my drive called Bring The Injuns Home! For too long, Injuns in India have been complacent. We have watched our own people sell members of their family so they could run away to the USA and never return. We have seen them win spelling bees as children. We have lauded them when they became astronauts or won Nobel prizes or wrote books in English. We have ignored them when they did porn and other non-Indian things. But now, it’s time to bring them home.

This may not be easy. For instance, there may be Injuns who will say ‘I’m American! I’ve never been to India! India scares me!’ They may even try to prove their non-Injunness by saying that they don’t know how to shit at the side of the road and they do not speak Hindu. Do not be duped! Think to yourself, What Would Joel Stein Do? Would he see this person and say, Ola, Fellow American! Or would he see one of the Indian Borg who are responsible for invading and ruining his hometown and start to cry? I know I would cry because I cry whenever I see British people in India. I sob uncontrollably, throw all my money at them (which is about 50 paisa) and say ‘TAKE IT!!!! TAKE IT, YOU FILTHY RAPING BRITISH PEOPLE!!!! TAKE EVERYTHING!!!! TAKE IT ALL!!!!! TAKE MY BLOOD, YOU TEA-DRINKING CANNIBALWHORES!!!!’

Of course it is not enough to simply bring all the Injuns from America here and just dump them somewhere. I have a plan.

1. Rehabilitation- This will teach them that Indians belong in India. Extensive resource material and guidebooks have been made that illustrate what an American is and how Indians fulfill none of that criteria at all. It will become abundantly clear that unless said Indians turn into white people, they can never be American and hence, cannot be in America.

2. Patriotization- Certain rogue Injuns have even gone to the extent of becoming American citizens. Which is cute you know. But we need to make them understand that just because they are American citizens does not mean they are Americans. This isn’t that hard because studies have shown that you can take an Indian who is as American as Bobby Jindal, tell them ‘Dude, you know you’re really an Indian, right? You know that other Americans don’t think you’re an American, right? You know that you’re the only person who thinks you’re American, right?’ and after moderate nostril-flaring, said Injun’s shoulders will collapse, they will sigh and say ‘Yeah, I know’.

3. A New Life- All relocated and rehabilitated Injuns will be given employment with Union Carbide and on the weekends, they will be encouraged to take part in community-enrichment activities sponsored by the We Love Warren Anderson fanclub.

Please. Don’t rob Joel Stein of his hometown. Don’t take away the ballgames and the hot dogs and the apple pie and whatever else Injuns are taking away from poor, helpless white Americans all across their American country.

Come on, India! Let’s save America! Let’s Bring The Injuns Home!


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