Contest Results and also Conversations- PhoneStalking.
Updated: Aug 5, 2020
Phustly, we have the results of the Kumari Loves A Monster Come On Repeatty Repeatty Contest. Here’s what the judges had to say about the entries in general.
"This has been very very tough. All the entries have been yenna maadri cannot tell! Justin Beiber’s in the well. Are you in the same well too? Laddos comma Raj Bhog just for you! Greatest fun to read and re-read and re-read all entries. Thanks very much for contributing and participating." Rashmi and Shyam
And now we all say the very many CongratulationGreetings to the winner of the Kumari Loves A Monster Come On Repeatty Repeatty Contest, Radhika Venkatarayan who sent in the awesome entry you see below.
WAH! Please if you are doing more like this we would like to see and say WAH! again
The illustrious Radhika Venkatarayan will receive a signed copy of Kumari Loves A Monster which we all agree is way better than ponies, but maybe not better than very small ponies that could fit in the palm of your hand because that would be really cool to have a pony like that. Also, CongratulationGreetings to Malarvizhi Jayanth and Pavithra Srinivasan who are the runner-ups. Runners-up. Runners-ups. Whatever. These two other people also sent in neat entries which the judges were so much appreciating also and we are posting here so all can appreciating also.
Malarvizhi Jayanth’s Entry
Kumari was waiting at the Vaanavil busstop for an uncrowded 23C because she wanted to go to the Museum and put scary pose in front of the dinosaur like Rashmi and Shyam and was also reading Zero Degree in Tamil because only annoying I’m-Tamil-but-I-can’t-read-Tamil people will be reading the English translation that was published by Blaft and was feeling like her brains were being made into kothu parotta by Charu Niveditha. Trying to unscramble her brain, she looked around. And saw the monster next to her. He was reading Moonward and chuckling and weeping by turns. “Is that a good book?” she asked him. Judge’s Comments
As they say in the cine Industry- ‘Inna oru suspense knot kondavandhu irukkinga kadhaikku ulla!’
(k’s sloppy and possibly wholly incorrect translation- one more suspense knot you have brought inside the story)
Pavithra Srinivasan’s Entry
Kumari is a sad, sad person. Facebook has bouquets and pigs. Twitter is full of precious birdies. Her husband watches mega-serials like “Where is My Pondatti?’ and weeps. Her mother-in-law gifts her coffee vadikattis. Her neighbour pays her current bill. Her children always get first rank in school.
“Where are the monsters?” Kumari rages. Not on the roads. Not at home. Not in her dreams. Desperate, Kumari googles for monsters. So many choices! So delightfully gory!
She slurps as she gazes fondly at Jabba the Hut. He winks. “Oh my darling fat one,” she coos.” And starts writing fan-fiction.
I wish I also came first in class at least once 😦 Jabba the Hut and Kumari ?! – quick get me George on the phone! “Hello Lucasfilm’s office aa? Vanakam Chennaiyilirundhu pesuren, George Sir kitta konjam naan pesalaama?”)
(k’s sloppy and possibly wholly incorrect translation- Hello is it Lucasfilm’s office? Ohai! From Chennai I am speaking. Can little myself speak to Sir George?)
I also want to say that I am honestly sohappy that this contest got more than zero entries because I was thinking that maybe no one would enter. It is interesting to note that some other peepals of my acquaintance also had similar feelings about this contest. So I want to say, from the bottom of my pancreas, thank you thank you thank you to those who took the time to create something and enter this contest. I hope you all find your monsters.
Also, the illustrious Koala lover and writer Alec Patric interviewed me at Verity La. I like this interview verymuch. I feel moar interviewers should ask questions like Alec Patric because then the interview will be moar funner and better for everyone.
Also, Dina Martina’s Medical College Commercial is so awesome it makes me want to join medical college.
Also, I like M.I.A’s song Teqkilla very much and very much better than XXXO, which I actually didn’t like at all because it reminded me of being stuck in one of those rickety private buses that are plastered with dark velvet upholstery and mirrors and posters that say ‘female is most deadly of all species’ and it smells like phenol and cheap perfume but mostly like phenol. While Teqkilla thankfully did not invoke any of that for me, it did cause slight nausea and disorientation when I listened to it on loop but maybe atonal compositions can sometimes have that affect.
Also, there will be no blog post on coming Saturday so don’t do drugs unless you’re really good at them.
K- I’m not phonestalking you.
S- Calling me eight million times a day and putting on the MunniBadnaamSong is phone stalking. It’s Bollywood terrorism.
K- Why do you think it’s me? Who would do something creepy and weird like that?
S- YOU would.
K- I don’t understand why you keep saying this.
S- Because the calls come from your phone and I can hear you singing in the background.
S- You are phonestalker phail.
K- I’d really love to ask a white person what they think of that song. Do you know any white people?
S- Let me guess. You’re going to say ‘Ohai White People! Listen to this song and kindly give me the feedbacks. I am from India.’
K- Yes. Or maybe I could find some white people on the internet.
S- I think you should do this. You should hang up and go find white people on the internet and not talk on the phone.
K- Ok, imma go find some.
S- By the by,
K- Yes, what man? Come on, tell fastly.
S- By the by, if you phonestalk me again with that song I will come over there and shove your phone up your nose.
K- I can’t find any white people on the internet! I Googled ‘where can I find white people’ and it was phail.
S- I can’t believe that didn’t work.
K- I KNOW! The internet must be broken. I also Googled the English translation for MunniBadnaamSong. Did you know that Munni Badnaam Hui means ‘Munni goes infamous’?
S- Is that the right translation?
K- It was on the internet so it must be true. Munni goes infamous.
S- Is that like going hungry? Is the song about famine?
K- Could be. Or it could mean she is becoming criminals.
S- Like Bandit Queen.
K- I actually thought the song was about almonds. Doesn’t ‘badnaam’ mean almond?
S- I think that’s ‘badaam’.
K- That’s not the same thing?
S- Apparently not.
K- Why not? Sounds same only. Munni Badaam hui. Munni Badnaam Hui. See? Same only. S- Ok, we’re going to end this conversation right now. K- Maybe ‘badnaam’ is a bad almond. Maybe the song is about food adulteration.
S- Either we end this conversation now or the phone becomes lodged within your nasal passages with great force and violence.
K- You’re really mean. And I didn’t even put the song on also.
S- Hang up now. For your own good only I am saying. K- By the by,
S- Shut up your face and hang up.
K- By the by, S- I’m not kidding. K- Ok.
S- Did someone die? Because I can’t think of any other justifiable reason for you to be calling me at this time unless someone is dead or the Americans have finally invaded our one number country. K- I want to know something. In the MunniBadnaamSong,
S- You have got to be kidding me.
K- There’s this line that apparently means ‘Became cinema hall for you darling’.
S- YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!
K- I’m curious to know if that is a sexual metaphor or is it symbolic of the fascination that our country has for the cinema combined with the objectification of Woman or is it a reflection of the fatalistic outlook of the common man?
S- Why don’t you go fuck yourself?
K- Does that mean you don’t know?
S- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??
K- You can just say you don’t know if you don’t know. I won’t judge you.
S- I’m going to give you three seconds to hang up. If you don’t, your cell phone is going to go places it has never gone before.
K- You are a shameful shame. You don’t know anything about the item numbers in the Mother Tongue of yours one number country. You have no sense of Indian culture and value. I bet you are a woman also. By the by.
S- Oh hell no.
K- By the by,
S- WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??
K- By the by,
K- By the by. There’s also this line that goes ‘Hai jama ishq da ishq da parcha re’, only he doesn’t say ‘ishq’, he says ‘isk’. Like you know how some people say deospray is iskisk? ‘Why you smell so bad?’ ‘Oh I forgot to do iskisk today’ Like that he says. I don’t think he means deospray though. S- I’m hanging up now.
S- Because I am going to come over there and shove your phone up your nose and set you on fire.
K- What fire? You never said anything about fire. If you come over here, I’ll cry. I’ll cry and snot will come out of my nose and it will be really gross for you. Hello? Wow. Munni fullviolence hui. God, I love that song.