Haifraans. I unfortunately have come back in the return. With myself, I bring this wholly incoherent and incomprehensible blog post consisting of things I have seen/heard/read/thought about in the last couple of months. The post is too long also and I am so sorry. Okso these are some interesting lines that I thought were interesting.
I am very much not aware and least bothered also
I feel this is a great thing to say in general. It is also very helpful in so many situations in our daily life. For instance, acquaintance gives you her demonchild to hold even though you have made it quite clear that you will drop demonchild if she gives it to you. She gives it to you anyway because you are an unmarried woman and you need to learn how to carry other people’s babies. As was foretold by you, you drop said demonchild and acquaintance is all ‘you dropped my child!’ and you’re like ‘I am very much not aware and least bothered also’ ok that’s a bad example and you totally shouldn’t drop other people’s demonchildren because it’s so mean.
Paper carrot cannot be used in the preparation of broth.
this is from a half-page color adtypething that appeared on the front page of The New Indian Express. I think it was for the promotion of Indianness which is a very promotable thing
From the year 2000 onwards Americans have continuously received Nobel Prizes for Economics, but American Economy is doing both rock ‘n’ roll and kathakali dances.
from selfsame aforementioned adtypething
Ha!oh…
from Antha Asingamana Padam aka The Dirty Picture song Ooh la la, thank you for bringing back this oldskool itemgirl sound and thank you also for proving that an item girl can still be lucrative even when she is dead. That is the best kind of item girl evar.
Then I wrote a story and it got published yougaiz!!11 This hasn’t happened very much lately so I am excited. The story is called Discuss How India Will Become A Prosperous And Secure Nation In The Next Five Years, which is very much in keeping with the Indian culture. So thank you to Indian culture and to Ani Smith for helping this story to exist and giving it a place to sit.
Then I went to Karnataka! I trekked barefoot among the mofussil areas, ate with tribal people in forestmountains, imbibed strong alcoholic and narcotic products usually consumed by “poor people” thus proving im badass in a native sort of way, got typhoidmalariacholera and cured myself through sheer willpower, wrote a novel longhand on deadleaves and watched sunrises from isolated jungle areatypethings and now I’m going to tell you ALL about it. Actually I just went to Bengaluru and ate a lot of fast food and wore socks. I remember seeing three things of interest there.
A license plate that said ‘Hai Lord Venki!’ idk, it seemed interesting then. not so much now
An ad that was superexcited about a female deejay who was female and had female deejaying powers which are female which means they have boobies like in the picture of the female deejay with boobies. This ad made me feel so bad for the mandeejays who don’t get this kind of publicity because so many of them are flat-chested and they lack the ability to spin dubstep with their uteruses.
Then I saw this billboard of Rob Schneider’s face in the blore latenight sky and thought to myself ‘o mai cheezuz adam sandler’s massive face is hanging like an American sun in the night of the india sky! Surely this is a sign that we will rise and become great world power through the power of Walmart!’
And now, just as it was every Indian’s duty to join AnnaHazareMovement, I must now talk about the Kolaveri song. I like this song for the following reasons.
It is nice to see a Tamil video clip go viral without it involving Baby Simbu and someone on Buzzfeed calling it ‘crazy I don’t even know what the fuck is going on here Bollywood song’, which would inevitably lead to a comment that Indians shouldn’t be making movies because we so po’
I am very appreciative of songs that don’t have boyfellows in jeanspant talking about how girlfellows in jeanspant are ruining Tamil culture because they are wearing jeanspant, said the boyfellow in the jeanspant. This often leads to speculation that girlfellow needs onetightslap because that’s the most effective way to save Tamil culture.
It made Kamaal R Khan say this on Twitter-Take one box of tin and put some coins in and shake it so you will hear malayalam language and for me kolaweri song is same. -
Songs in strange phoren languages are often translated but this song gave an opportunity for the erudite and the in-the-know to “decode” it. Why it needs decoding? Because it is not written in phoren language. It is written in magical unicorn alien language called “Mangled Tamil/ Broken English.” This is a very unique language spoken by magical Tamil people and broken English people, Superstar, and the engsteryouth who are doing both kathakali and rock n roll dances. Did I mention that the language is weird? Because wow it’s just lykke so weird yougaiz. How weird? So weird that peeps kept talking about how their Injun peeps in America and the UK thought it was so weird. This is golden rule- when something weird happens in India, don’t talk to the Indians living in India about it. Talk to people who don’t live here or who used to know people who lived here in 1974, as they will be most knowledgeable and have the grassroots and current information regarding this and all items and itemnumbers generally. Also mangled or broken is always a good way to describe something that’s different.
I like how the white skin- black heart line implied that Tamil people were racist against white women. Or was it women in general. Or was it women having heart defects. Idk, anyway, this led me to fondly recollect some of my favorite stereotypes about South Indian Woman as a whole because apparently South Indian mainly means Tamil, little bit Malayalam, kindabutnotreally Telugu and a lolzurnotreallySouthIndianbutwhatevs amount of Kannadiga. Some of these stereotypes are culled from the internet, others from real life, all of them are true because people say so. Also, one should never blog about stereotypes because they are racist.
South Indian Women Are all Fucking DogHippos with no Dress Sense
This one is little confusing because I’m not sure if it means every single one of us is similar to the mythical doghippopotamus with regard to facial features, body mass and structure or if every single South Indian woman is allegedly in constant states of fornication with doghippopotami. Considering that many folks on the internet like to see ‘south indian bending aunty fucking’ and ‘south indian aunty fucking and feeling pain’, perhaps the fucking doghippo is just another facet of this surprisingly rich oeuvre. Also there seems to be some implication that our South Indianness robs us of the sense to dress, which is why we all lack the skills necessary to cover our boobies and crotchimus areas when we go out in the publics. You were wondering about that, no? Well this is whybecause. Overall very much against the Indian culture, especially the fucking hippos part.
South Indian Women are all Beautiful, Smart, Witty, Funny, Clever, Intelligent, Sexy, Cool, Great, Wonderful, Talented, Beautiful, Smart, Witty, Funny, Clever
Ok so someone says that South Indian women are fucking doghippos and not having any dress sense and someone else valiantly defends us all by saying ALL SOUTH INDIAN ARE BEAUTIFUL SMART TALENTED SEXY etc etc. Aw. Here you are, thinking you’re smart because you read a lot and stuff like that but it’s really because you’re South Indian! This exercise is called killing the face of people who say bad things about South Indians by nice things about South Indians, which is very winning because it involves defending the South Indian women who were not in a position to defend themselves, possibly because they were too busy fucking doghippos. It has been my experience that these righteous flowers of praise are often followed by lines like ‘I love South Indian food’, which always makes me nervous because I wonder if this means that I have to cook for them as a way of saying thank you for defending my South Indian Womanhood. Once someone said ‘one of my friends used to be South Indian’. And that also scared me because I was like, what do you mean ‘used to be’, what happened to them , did you eat them? No shade though, I totes do the same thing- I mean whenever I see a white person, which isn’t that often, I like to tell them how much I like English music and that I read English books and can even speak English sometimes and will you adopt me as your thirdworld Indian child please? Also I feel like this stereotype is scary like that one angle who will talk about how he loves all South Indian women. ALL of them. Without exception. And you immediately make mentalnote to stay very far away from him all the time forever.
All South Indian Women Are Dark Which Is Perfectly Ok Because I like Dark Women! Actually I Prefer Them!
Thangod!1111 We would have been in big trouble if you didn’t like and prefer our deskyseksual South Indian darkness! We as a people were going to commit collective suicide and now you have given us a reason to live. Now, what happens when you come across a South Indian woman and she is not ‘dark’? Does it mean she isn’t South Indian? Yes that’s exactly what it means. ALL South Indian women are dark. Every last one of them. But someone has said that’s perfectly ok for us to be like that so we should try and be ok with that too.
Please don’t leave me comments saying all this means I hate Naan South Indians or that you’d like to add your own stereotypes to this list because frankly this blog can only take so much truth in one posting.