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  • Writer's pictureKuzhali Manickavel

I Got Soul But I’m Not A Soldier But I Have Some New Work Up But I Don’t Have A Garland

Updated: Aug 5, 2020

Can we talk about Mayawati’s Massive Money Mala? Can we talk about how that is the most ultimately blinged out thing ever ever? Can we talk about how now, when other countries talk about how poor India is, we can say hey, do people in YOUR country get massive garlands made out of 1000 rupee notes? No? Then YOU must be living in the poor country, stupidhead!

And can we talk about how awesome Lady Gaga’s Telephone video is? Wouldn’t it have been even more awesome if she had gone to a prison that was filled with hafnekkid menz? Maybe she’ll do that next time. Maybe she won’t do another crotch shot either. More hafnekkidmenz, less crotch shotz.

Pimpage Department

I have a new piece of flash fiction up at a place called Ekleksographia, which is a very long word. The issue is edited by Mary Miller who is kind of famous in America and has a collection which I haven’t read because I live in India. There are also other flash fiction writers in this issue who are kind of famous in America.

You Can Call If You Want But There’s No One Home And You’re Not Going To Reach My Telephone Department

Dear Feminism,

I just thought you should know that some people in my one numbers country of India are blaming homosexuality on feminism. I think this means that we should be blaming heterosexuality on anti-feminism but for some reason, no one is very interested in doing that. In general, I have noticed that many people like to blame homosexuality on the soul-less, cultureless and intrinsically evil western civilization which is mainly held responsible for other evil, soul-less and cultureless things like pants. Nobody wants to blame homosexuality on Coca Cola though because for some reason, that would be silly. I think when they get bored of blaming homosexuality in India on feminism, they will blame it on pants.

Dear FTV,

Woah! Looks like you got in trouble again for showing boobies! Didn’t AXN once get banned for showing boobies also? It’s nice to know that seemingly unrelated fields like Action and Fashion have boobies in common.

Dear Sandra Bullock,

You won an Oscar. I can honestly say that I never, ever, ever thought I would ever see that happen. Then again, I never thought a movie about singing and dancing Indian slum kids would win an Oscar either. Did you ever think you’d win an Oscar? Was it weird for you too? Because it was really weird for me and I wasn’t even there.

Dear BritishPunjabiHipHopFolkhopRapUrbanGrimeBhangra People,

Hey what’s up desi style? How ya’ll doin’ in da house desi style? How are your mother father desi style? I want to say how I dig a lot of what you people do desi style. I am a little confused about one thing and that is this tendency to use the line ‘hot like Rekha’. The ladies and the gents are both using this very freely- women are hot like Rekha. Guys have girls who are hot like Rekha. Now in the today, so many other Bollywood girls are there with two-syllable names which rhyme with many things. So I kindly suggest you retire the line ‘hot like Rekha’ with so much dignity and never speak of it again, not because Rekha is not hot but because you need to move past 1981. It’s a bit like how in some Tamil movie lyrics, they compare the soglamor girl to Elizabeth Taylor who is now well over 70 and perhaps not as soglamor as she once was. Peace out ya’ll homibabas, keep it real. Desi style.

Dear Meryl Streep,

What’s it like to be Meryl Streep and watch Sandra Bullock get an Oscar while you, Meryl Streep, do not get an Oscar? Does it make you feel like you are on drugs?

Dear Piranha 2- The Spawning,

You are the most epicest movie ever. You are so epic I watched one scene and my heart nearly exploded from the sheer epicosity of it all. The scene was the beach party where there was an attack by what I assumed were black plastic bottles which were squeaking and also flying and which killed white people’s faces. There was one black man who I immediately recognized as the Wise Colored Person. Unfortunately, the black plastic bottles which were squeaking and also flying attacked and killed his face too and it was only then that I saw that these were not black plastic bottles which were squeaking and also flying. They were in fact flying plastic fish with wings and dentures. And I thought, wow. That is so awesome. By then the Wise Colored Person had been rendered dead because he was killed in the face and since there didn’t seem to be anymore Wise Colored People in the offing, I could not see how anyone in the movie could be saved and I thought, see? This is why racism is bad. It’s racism that prevents the Wise Colored People from saving you when you are being killed in the face by flying plastic fish with wings and dentures.

10 Pieces of Dialogue Which Prove That The Plan To Secretly Drink Rum and Coke During The ‘Highly Respectable Function’ Was Full of Failwhale

1. “Oh my God, who farted? Excuse me ma’am, did you just fart? Don’t tell lies. You totally look like someone who just farted. Shame shame puppy shame. You know what puppy shame is? It is being shameful of puppies. Did you know that? No? Why? Why didn’t you know that?”

2. “Why is that man on stage going on talking? Who asked him to talk? Oh, he’s singing! Who asked him to sing? I never asked him to sing, you asked him to sing? Ask the farting aunty if she asked him to sing.”

3. “There are a LOT of white people here. I wonder how many of them have diarrhea? Excuse me sir, do you have diarrhea? Are you holding it in? You should never hold your diarrhea in, very bad for health. Also, welcome to my country.”

4. “Would someone please ask the uncle on the stage to stop talking? Or at least ask him to stop farting? Because I think it was him. Like, really.”

5. “You know, we kicked out all the white people in 1947. We don’t mind if you stay here for a while but you can’t take over the country. If you do that, I will hunt you down and kill you. Where are you staying? Tell me so I can hunt you down and kill you.”

6. “Farting aunty, can I call you Andy? Can I sing you a song? Fifi Fifi, No No No No Philomena Francis, My Name Is Philomena Francis. No you are a kyoon fairy. Yes you are a kyoon fairy. You know this song? You are not Malayalis? Then why is your nose like that?

7. “Uncle let me sing on the stage! I want to sing on the stage. I want to sing on the stage I want to sing on the stage I want to sing on the stage.”

8. “When my mother was small she thought white people didn’t fart because they were awesome and white. See what imperialism colonialism does? You see what you did? See what you did to my mother? Who’s going to pay for that? How much money do you have? Give me all your money or I’ll have your kidneys removed by slum children. You think I won’t do it? Don’t mess with me man, I got post-colonial issues like you would not believe! I got slum kids in this place right now. And if you don’t give me your money, they will slash your Achilles’ tendons and you will be left here to bleed to death because you’re white and we hate white people. We pretend we don’t but we really do.”

9. “Andy, can I have your handbag? Do you have any candy? Why, are you diabetic? Why did you wear this color sari, it’s not suiting you. Wow, your chappals are really ugly. See my chappals? These are my bathroom chappals. They are prettier than your chappals. At least your chappals match your ugly sari.”

10. “I’d like to dedicate this song to farting Andy, the frightened white man who’s trying not to look frightened and the uncle I just pushed off the stage. Only I sing. Nobody else sing. Anybody else singing means I have their kidneys removed by slum children. Ok, ready? Fifi Fifi, No No No No Philomena Francis, My Name Is Philomena Francis. No you are a kyoon fairy. Yes you are a kyoon fairy. Why no one is singing also? No one knows Malayalam? You are all North Indians? No problem no problem, I sing Jumma Chumma De De.”



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