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  • Writer's pictureKuzhali Manickavel

i’ll be your cryin’ shoulder, i’ll be love’s suicide, i’ll be do-do-do

Updated: Aug 5, 2020

This blog title is stolen from the song My Rollercoaster by Kimya Dawson. When I first heard this line, I was like, oh my god that is such a womantic and dweamy thing to say. And then I thought, actually that is such a disturbing thing to say. Because it’s one thing to tell a manperson, manperson you are the greatest man of my life. It’s quite another thing if said manperson says I’ll be the greatest man of your life, like you don’t actually get any say in the matter and it is a threat or something. Moments like that make you think of movies where the hero will be so angry with the heroine for being a woman or wearing pants or something and it’s clear he wants to kill her and rape her repeatedly at the same time but instead he says, I’m going To Marry The Fuck Out of You! Just Wait And See, You…Woman! And he says that like he wants to kill her and rape her repeatedly at the same time, like maybe marriage and simultaneous murder/rape are the same thing in his eyes and it makes you wonder, hmmm, is this a person other people should be having babies with? And if he marries people he clearly wants to murder and rape, what does he do to people he likes? The mind boggles.

But who wants to make babies with someone like that when you can make babies with a REAL monster! Yay!

Wealthy people with credit cards can now order this book online! Unwealthy people can start selling their internal organs so they can buy it from a store very soon!

I’m sorta not sure whether I should talk about this next thing I’m going to talk about because it deals with Hindi women writers and I am only one woman and I don’t know Hindi. But apparently there is some kind of race happening among these Hindi women writers about who is the greatest prostitute. I admit, I’m a little confused by this because I didn’t know they held races for that kind of thing. But this must be true because the Vice-Chancellor of Mahatma Gandhi International Hindi University said so. If that article made you angry and you want to throw something at this illustrious man, you can’t because that’s not nice. I do want to say that I think maybe the main problem is a basic feeling among many of the peepals that if a man writes about sex, he is edgy and vulnerable and awesome and a writer. If a woman writes about sex, she is just shamelessly shaking her uterus in everyone’s face and let’s face it peepal, uterus-shaking is gross. Apparently, it leads to racing prostitutes. Or something.

In the last post, I mentioned Raghav’s song Angel Eyes and I was not surprised at the Raghav hate that happened because Raghav hate is understandable. Many people mentioned his accent also and as someone who gets a lot of grief for my accent as well, I thought, in the way of a Public Service Message, I would put out some friendly advice for those folks who are doing what is variously known as Putting the Peter or the PutOn Accent. In other words, people who are putting on fake American accents because they think this is something that will help them make friends all the time and they will win at everything forever.

Let us not go into the complicated and sad worlds of people who have to deal with their own real accents because it’s just complicated and sad when people think you’re not ‘talking properly’ on purpose because they think you are arrogant because you have an accent. Let’s not go into all that. Let us instead talk about how it feels to be around someone who is clearly American-accent free and then, with no one ahead warning also, they suddenly start talking with a PutOn accent. Maybe you are under the impression that doing this makes everyone look at you and think, This Impressive American Person is Impressive And I Am Impressed! This is a false. Speaking in sudden PutOn accent makes people want to grab your face and say ‘OH MY GOD STOP, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HAVE YOU GONE INSANE? DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO HATE YOU? ISN’T THE WORLD SAD ENOUGH WITHOUT YOUR FAKE AMERICAN ACCENT? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU???’

PutOn accents are one of those unique things that embarrass EVERYBODY who is within the range of the PutOn accent. It is the Emperor’s New Clothes where everyone can plainly see you are the nudies but no one says anything because while we are flabbergasted at your strange languages, we want to make fun of you for it later. PutOn accents make children cry. They give dogs rabies. Every time someone speaks with a PutOn accent simply to put scene, the hole in the ozone grows bigger and kittens die. So please. Before putting on the PutOn. Before you casually start throwing around the word ‘nigga’ in your spoken conversation because you think it’s AwesomeAmerican lingo and all those black people on TV do it so that must mean everyone can, think of what this man is saying to you.

And now, musics for the masses. This week we celebrate these awesome songs

Mere Daftar Main Ek Ladki Hai by Pradeep Roy (special shoutout to my homibabas from college who won’t admit to singing this song and probably don’t read this blog either but whatever)



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