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  • Writer's pictureKuzhali Manickavel

Is ‘yougaiz’ against Indian culture? It probably is yougaiz.

Updated: Aug 7, 2020

Dear whoever landed on this blog in the hopes of finding ‘west mambalam free raped girls phone number’, not to sound all judgy and stuff but WTF??!!1111 Also you are gross. To continue in the wtf vein, a certain Maureen Chao who is allegedly Vice Consul of illustrious US Consulate allegedly spoke about her Foreigner in Indian Train experience which is not that interesting but allegedly the experience made her so dirty and dark that she had to tell us that ‘I became dirty and dark, like a Tamilian’ . Thankfully the US consulate website made everything ok by posting this ‘Ms. Chao deeply regrets if her unfortunate remarks offended anyone, as that was certainly not her intent.’ I’m really glad they did this yougaiz because I was SO about to get offended because that is what whiny third world colored folk are wont to do, no? Yes. Anywaiz, my favorite aspects of this little kerfuffle are as follows. 

1. She said these awesome and empowering words about the Tamil people WHILE STANDING INSIDE THE TAMIL NADU YOUGAIZ!!11. Seriously. If you are not on drugs at the time, what kind of space does your brain need to be in for that to happen? At what point, while you are speechifying, does it seem like a good idea to say this? These are extremely relevant questions when you consider that the illustrious Maureen Chao is not your adorable but embarrassingly bigoted grandmother who says things like this in public because she is your grandmother. Maureen Chao is a foreign diplomat type person type thing. And I’m pretty sure that somewhere in foreign diplomat type person type thing school, they have a course where they teach you not to refer to the natives as dark and dirty while making public speeches. Or maybe they only have that course for First World countries because Third World natives really ARE dark and dirty. LOL!11 That is a clever joke. If you did not laugh at it, you are not only racist, you are a racist that can’t take a joke and that’s the worst kind of racist ever yougaiz.

2. I am also very much louing the illustrious people who are taking the high road on this one, kindly educating the rest of us on how us Indians should consider that an apology has been issued so that makes everything ok, it was ‘just a joke’ and most importantly, we should remember that all of us want to study in America and then live there forever and ever and that is FAR more important than some diplomat saying something about Tamilians being dark and dirty. You’ll never get that green card honey if you upbraid US consulate peeps. Come on now, eyes on the prize.

Now onto less disturbing things. This illustrious blog also had nicethings to say about my collection. That's just one thing I guess.

And now, I must take this opportunity to wish advance JaiHind greetings to all my Indian brothers and sisters on our forthcoming IndependenceDay celebrations. In honor of this hallowed dry day, I would like to call for Nationwide ban on certain kinds of wines, specifically whines, specifically whines about how this, that, up, down and your father in law are all against Indian Culture or causing Indian Culture to die. Indian culture is not going to die yougaiz. I think some little kid in Pondicherry was spotted hawking bags while shouting ‘Indian culture!’ or something so not only is Indian Culture not dead, it is very lucrative also for the common peoples. Heretoforehenceoforththerewith, I would personally like to say that I think this kind of whining is against Indian culture and so I call for ban against the following whines because they are also seditious encouraging our youth to go along the morally wrong path and is counterproductive to development of this great nation jai hind. Kindly request all to do the needful yours sincerely.

JAIHIND!!!11111 Whine aka I Am Indian Hear Me Rawr

This whine is RAWR LIKE INDIAN TIGER. But nay. India is home of the nonviolence so let us not be the violence. Instead, let us make up for the lack of violence by being loud, obnoxious and crazytown while maintaining very small attention span. For instance, let us look at the gay pride parades and slut walks but let us look at them from a distance because gay pride parades and slut walks are sogross and scawy ALL THIS NOT PART OF INDIAN CULTURE JAIHIND!!1111 Safely ensconced in our little boxes that are having no air and armed with our fabulous ignorance about gay pride parades and the slut walks because who wants to know about such things anyway, let us declare them both against Indian culture because they are both…walking? No, maybe let’s declare walking to be against Indian culture later on. Let us say they are against Indian culture because OH LOOK A SHINEEE PENNEH!!111 SHINEE PENNEH IS AGAINST INDIAN CULTURE BECAUSE IT IS NOT PAISA JAIHIND 111!!!!

Country Whine aka I Am Awesome Because When I Wave To The Lepers They Wave Back At Me And I Know The Names Of Two Auto Drivers

This whine states that Indian Culture can only exist in rural areas and among the poor people because that is the Real India. The rest of India is Fake India. Popular accents of this whine include talking about roughing it among the natives and how regional languages are the only real Indian languages and people who can’t/won’t talk in these languages should be ‘thrown out’. Naturally these whines are more effective when they are delivered in English, which thankfully happens alot. How else will the Fake Indians understand yougaiz??!!! While these whines like to be “gritty” in order to appear realistic, there is always a touch of romanticism of the louly green rice fields and the scent of poor and rural Indian things wafting on the poor and rural Indian breeze and flute playing and big white ambassador car rolling along the road carrying sunglassed hero who has come back from America after completing studies- chee, sorry that is opening for eighties Tamil movie. But it works here also. Also please to note. Sometimes Country Whine comes from people who are no longer in the country but feel they are in the best position to whine about Indian Culture because they came here for vacation once in 1984. This is known as Foreign Country Whine.

Homemade Whine aka We Run This Motha

This whine defines the entire spectrum of Indian history, culture and its people solely on the basis of the whiner’s family, nextdoor neighbors and their six assorted friends. So if they don’t do it, then it must not be Indian and must be against Indian culture. Apart from the bizarre things they say, what makes this whine interesting is that they speak with a great amount of conviction. And why wouldn’t you, when you believe that you and your six friends constitute the entire Indian experience. Popular aspects of this whine include saying things like ‘we do not do such things in India’ ‘that is not Indian’ and my personal favorite, ‘you please leave this to the West, as it is not part of this culture’ .

I Haz A Sad Whine aka The Bluebird of Happiness in My Life Has Been Replaced By The Indian Boiler Chicken of Depression

Watery with tears of nostalgia, this whine laments the fact that Indian culture is dead/dying and that everything Indian suddenly isn’t Indian anymore because it is different from the India of 1979. It is marked by sadness, bewilderment and utter dismay that India had the audacity to change over time. Did it wantingly change or was it CIA propaganda? Why didn’t things stay the same? Who stole my 1979India? Where are the pistagreen walls and ambassador cars of my youth?

jaihind vazhgabaratham yougaiz.


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