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  • Writer's pictureKuzhali Manickavel

oh little flower. see your lover. see your chittu kannil pattu pattu sikki konda lover.

Updated: Aug 4, 2020

ohai 🙂 This blog post title is taken from this song. I think it’s pretty self-explanatory so that’s all I have to say about that.

I would like to say mostheartfelt thank you to the hyperawesome people at the hyperawesome Versal for nominating my short story ‘Jugni’ for the Pushcart. 

Anyhoo, my favorite part of the Radia tapes has to be this exchange, stolen from here.

Nira: Hi!

Raja: Hello?

Nira: Hi!

Raja: Tell me.

Nira: Mr Raja?

Raja: Yes?

Nira: Nira

Raja: Tell me, Nira, anything?

Isn’t that neat? This makes the entire Radia expose totes worthwhile. Also, I want to thank Karu Uncle for the Ration Television he gave all us peepal in my corner of the country. This means that everyone here now has two televisions and some of the poorer sections of society have three televisions and many of the private buses have four televisions and certain STDXeroxCoolDrinks booths made out of cardboard boxes have five televisions. Did I mention it has a remote control and four of the buttons glow in the dark? We global, mothafuckaz.

King Hammer, formerly known as MC Hammer, released a new song in which he says Jay-Z sold his soul to the devil and then I think he baptizes him in the end although it also looks like he drowned him also. The video seems to have been made by the Doordarshan Podhigai channel and all I can say is how the mighty have fallen and by mighty, I mean the Doordarshan Podhigai channel. 

Irom Sharmila has now been fasting for ten years in protest of the killing of innocent civilians by security forces in Manipur. Raise your hand if you have no idea who this woman is! Raise your one another hand if you think Manipur is ‘somewhere over there, next to Calcutta’! Raise both your legs if you don’t really care also. Anyway, there is no mention of Arundhati Roy here so clearly it is not worth tweeting furiously about using all caps and exclamation marks like you know what you’re saying.

An alarming number of people I don’t know sent me ‘forward greetings’ for Deepavali (that’s Diwali in South Indian). These were all filled with sound and fury and signified absolutely nothing. Eye-molesting fonts and the wholly idiotic overuse of overused words like ‘light’ and ‘peace’ in Deepavali forwards reminds of those fecking eejits who insist you join the Facebook group To Save Bi Polar Dolphins From Radiation Emitted By Paper Doilies because “it’s better than doing nothing”. 

I would like to say that in the case of Deepavali forwards and this form of internetz chairitee, the ‘nothing’ is seriously the much better option. Also, let’s just break down these two gawdawful entities shall we?

  1. Both are incredibly easy to do which is the ONLY reason why so many people do them. Because it mostly just involves clicking, you can Deepavaligreet that person in Australia you once sat next to that one time and you can do this without the bother of actually seeing their face or talking to them but you get to say you Deepavaligreeted them which makes you awesome. Clicking also lets you do amazing works of charity, like saving gay field mice from homophobic cats. This is how people get deluded into thinking they have awesome internetz superpowers because as long as “saving” involves just a click, we are all internetz heroes. 

  2. Deepavali forwards and internetz chairiteez is EXACTLY like saving the whales through modeling in that there are far, far, FAR better things you can do but those things are hard to do and modeling makes you look good and that’s basically why you’re doing this and it has nothing to do with the whales because the whales can go fuck themselves for all you care.

  3. Both these acts are like knee-jerk Indian hyperpatriotism, complete with the allcaps, ignorance and exclamation marks. This means if you’re not doing it, then you should be should be charged with sedition and you are Pakistani also.

The Privilege Denying Dude was one of the best memes ever but then it got shut down for copyright issues or something, which just goes to show that you really and truly cannot say stuff about privileged peeps, especially dudes and especially white dudes. And then you know what happened? This wonderful, brave and awesome and brave and wonderful man called Edman offered his own visage in order to let Privilege Denying Dude live once more.

If you think this is totes racist against dudes, especially white ones, you can read this although it’s probably much easier to just say it’s racist against white dudes because it saves you the time of reading that article I linked to.

The Local Consortium Of Bigots were completely enamored of Obama when he came to visit and they were forced to concede that he was actually quite handsome, charming and spoke English very well even though he was a Negroids.

I have this pair of sweatpants which I bought off the pavement and they are falling to pieces and in this state of falling-to-piecesness, I noticed that the elastic in the waistband was not elastic at all. It was a dirty tensor bandage. Somebody’s dirty tensor bandage was keeping my pants up. I guess this is why clever people buy clothing from stores that are in buildings and have doors and stuff like that.

And now, because many Indian peepals insist I am actually Canadian (which is superoffensive to Canada), I speak of Lake Shore, Canada’s version of Jersey Shore. This show is very ethnic because everyone is part of some ethnic group and not Canadian at all and that’s just very ethnic. Hopefully all that ethnicness will culminate in ethnic violence at some point. Here is what I found most notable.

1. There is a girl who is described as a pole. This could mean she is Polish but I like to think she is actually a pole.

2. There is a dude who says he is Albanian. I foresee this fellow bringing great shame to the country of Albania. AlsoAlso, he is there to be homophobic to someone called Salem, pronounced like Salem TamilNadu, who is Lebanese. Salem often stands in front of racks of clothes because the Lake Shore people want us to infer that he is a flaming homosexual. 

3. There is some dude who is a construction worker by day and a mad party animal by night. He’s a MAD party animal, I tell you. MAD!


4. There is a girl who is mainly there because she has big bewbies but also because she is Jewish and she is there to fight with another Turkish girl who said she hates everyone especially Jewish people. In this way, Lake Shore tackles the issue of Islam versus Judaism only it’s in Canada and it involves bewbies.

5. There is a dude who says that he came to Canada from Czechoslovakia when he was three and he’s been taking over ever since. I think his last name is Hollywood. This is embarrassing for Canada, Czechoslovakia, Hollywood and three year olds.

For some reason, there are no crazybadass TamilCanadians. I’m guessing they couldn’t find even one. In TORONTO.

In more positive Canadian news however, we present the ZOMG What A Novel Idea Award to a new Canadian anti-rape campaign that actually targets dudes instead of leddies! This is the first time I’ve seen a campaign like this and I’m like, ZOMG What A Novel Idea! Because instead of blaming leddies for being so rape-able, this campaign encourages dudes not to be that rapey guy that rapes people. But wait! I know that perhaps some people are saying, ‘if a girl is wearing *insert absolutely anything here*, it’s asking for rape, right?’ Wrong! Clothing can’t talk! If clothing is telling you to rape people, it means you need to get professional help before someone’s shoes tell you to disembowel yourself with knitting needles.

Then there seems to be a totes haut new thing called AIDS Orphan Tourism. This where rich people go to African countries and act as caregivers for orphans with AIDS, because then they can go home really soon and tell people that they were a caregiver for an orphan with AIDS in some African country. That’s like the hautest thing ever. However, and I quote, “However, shortly after these ‘connections’ have been made, tourists leave – many undoubtedly feeling that they have made a positive contribution to the plight of very vulnerable children. And, in turn, feeling very special as a result of receiving a needy child’s affection. Unfortunately, many of the children they leave behind have experienced another abandonment to the detriment of their short- and long-term emotional and social development. Voluntourism is potentially exploitative of children suffering adversity as a result of poverty and HIV/AIDS. Child advocates should protest these practices and welfare authorities should ensure they are stopped.”

I think we can all agree that orphans with AIDS have enough issues to deal with without having to also deal with multiple abandonment issues from wealthy temp caregivers from other countries who are hoping to do something exotic and charitable for their summer holidays. And so I nobly offer this alternative. Voluntourists, come take care of me. I live in third world country, hence the third world name of this third world blog. I don’t have any major diseases but almost all my acquaintances have had diseases like typhoid, malaria, dengue fever, jaundice, chikungunya, cholera and one person even has TB! So you can come down here and wash my clothes and cook for me and buy me stuff  (you can’t touch me though) and I won’t talk in English at all, we can communicate using sign language to make your experience more authentic. Then you can give me lots of money and you can go back home and tell everyone you were a caregiver for a third world ghetto vampire in India. That’s way haut, trust me because it’s like poverty porn and Twilight mixed together. Massive street cred.

And now, teh musics.

Dark Side Dub by Zeds Dead– This somehow manages to be awesome and evil at the same time, thus making it very suitable for dancing. 

Never Forget You by Noisettes– This song is dedicated to everyone I’ve forgotten.



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