This blog post title has been appropriated from an illustrious person’s illustrious school autograph book. I feel like this is a good autograph to give, even if you don’t really like the other person’s nose. Other autograph book illuminatiquotes include
Your friendship fills my body like sweet poison
(k- very emo, no? I’m not sure this is something one should tell their friends also. If a friend told me this I’d be like, I’m not sure you should tell me that.)
Drink hot coffee drink hot tea burn your lips and think of me
(k- again, very emo. I feel like people were very emo in smalltempletown school autographbooks)
Man proposes but the god disposes
(k- why would you write this in someone’s autographbook? but also it’s very true also)
Also someone thoughtfully wrote the phone number of their aunt in Chennai in this illustrious school autograph book because…I don’t know. Although back in the day, Chennai was Madras and some girls would go to Madras and have ice cream there and come back and tell us all about it for weeks and weeks.
Anywai, here are some things people said to me, some things that happened and some things that didn’t happen also. I feel like this is kind of how my life is like. But also not really.
mallu boys are asking shopuncle for ‘chilled cock’ #bowchikkabowwow
shopuncle says there is no ‘chilled cock’ only pepsi #cockblock
listening to illustrious person telling me the story of My Name Is Khan because that’s the one thing that’s been missing from my life for all my life
found a pen! going to try and write with it! #writingplan
the pen doesn’t work you gaiz. oh whale. #writingplanfail
hopefully I’ll find a pencil next time #writingplanfornextyear
the pencil might be broken tho im so worried you gaiz writing is hard! #writinganxiety
according to mai fraand, My Name Is Khan is about that bombing that happened in america called 24/7 and that’s why srk was “a retarded muslim” in the movie #oscarwinning
bank is filled with small cottage industries ladies #agrovillagers
i am filling in bank forms for agrovillagers because i am scared of them. VILLAGERS ARE SCARY YOU GAIZ!!111 #educationwinning #everythingelsenotwinning
gaiz, remember actorkarthik and his moustache in ponnumani? what happened you gaiz? what happened to everything?
none of the agrovillagers have ponnumanimoustaches. sure sign of loss of tamil culture aping the west internet satellite television ruining engsters
agrovillagers have pushed me to the back of the line. i will be in the bank forever and ever #notwinning
i am going to die in this bank. they will find my desiccated carcass under a pile of outdated deposit challans #tellrupaulnottocryforme
i feel like RuPaul would really like me if she met me
i feel like RuPaul would be really disappointed if she met me
i feel like the chances of me ever meeting RuPaul are very slim so whatever #heartbreak
i am never going to the bank again. ever.
wearing headbandheadscarftypething. looking FIERCE HONEY FIERCE!!!111 #fabulous
ok maybe not this fabulous. sorta fabulous. like, from far away. and stuff.
someone just said my headbandheadscarftypething makes me look like tea estate worker with the terminal illnesses wtf you gaiz!
ok maybe it does #succumbingtopeerpressure
we dans la maison! that’s canadian for we in da house! we’re actually not in our place of residence actually. we’ve entered someone else’s place of residence. anyway. #misleadingtweets
am i the only person here without a phone? i should have asked shopuncle if i could bring his payphone #swag #tardyfortheparty
these people wont let me carry around their landline around, wtf you gaiz! why wont they let me carry around a fone too you gaiz? #thispartysucks
‘i knew this poet once. he had sex with everything.’ ‘with everything?’ ‘with EVERYTHING.’ ‘that must have hurt.’ ‘i know, right?’ #ayehiphoppermujhepyartukar
‘i find indian women boring. i don’t know, maybe it’s an indian thing’ #thanksforsharing #itsweirdwhenindianssaythingslikethis
the wine is apparently NOT ruby wine. whatever
that awkward silence that follows the question ‘in the song aye hip hopper, why does he call her a part-time knocker?’
the bhangra version is pretty awesome tho. it isn’t actually. anyway. #makingthingsworse
i will pretty much listen to a bhangra remix of anything. o mai cheezuz i cant believe i actually said that out loud #makingthingsevenworser
i feel like there should be a bhangra remix of that song ‘shake’ thats not by kim kardashian.
whats interesting is i felt like i couldnt possibly make things any worse and then i go and mention kim kardashian.
‘it’s a tattoo of Krishna.’ ‘why does it look like throw-up?’ #importantquestions
someone’s gone to ask if they have the bhangra remix of aye hip hopper #kindredspirits
‘you think peeps are judging us for dancing like this to this song?’ ‘probably.’ #haterzgonnahate #dancingwithkindredspirits #dontbejealousofmyboogie
none of us seem to be able to say hip hopper. we keep saying hip hop her wtf is wrong with us you gaiz?!!
now we are saying heep hop har. this is either because we are indian or because we’ve been drinking.
rum and bovonto just isn’t the same without the bovonto #ilovebovontoreallyimnotkidding
i miss all my friends where are you gaiz? how come you don’t talk to me anymore? was it because i never could make my mind up about front seat back seat? IM SO SORRY YOU GAIZ!
yesterday was thursday today it is friday we we we so excited we so excited we gonna have a ball today tomorrow is saturday and sunday comes afterwards #rebeccablackftw
abcdefghi – jklm – nopqrstuvwx – yz. i love you. #humsaathsaathhainftw #thealphabet
going around saying ‘whatswongwitzyoomin’ because i’m a winner #winning #baptistegiabiconiwantstoknowwhatswongwitzyoomin
someone just asked me if i’m “from mizoram or something” because i’m going around saying ‘whatswongwitzyoomin’ #soracist #baptistegiabiconiisnotfrommizoramyougaiz
everyone seems really happy we’re leaving. possibly because now they can stop playing aye heep hop har on loop. #rosemilkparty
we’re watching a movie! it’s called Zoo! we are excited you gaiz. because we like zoos and hopefully there will be vampires also.
why does the cover have a horse on it? we are concerned you gaiz
we are flabbergasted to learn that this movie is about a guy who died after being fucked by a horse. we feel like we should stop watching but we really want to watch also. we’re so gross you gaiz. #shameshamepuppyshame
this movie is like being on drugs. it’s like being in a car and being stoned and watching the scenery and someone is talking to you and you keep waiting to see a horse have sex with a dude but it never happens. well it kinda does. i feel sorry for the horse even though the dude died. ok i feel bad he died also. i feel bad for everything you gaiz.
actorkarthik you gaiz! why doesn’t anyone remember his moustache in ponnumani? i don’t understand. it’s like i hardly know you gaiz anymore you gaiz.
Special shout out to my peeps who are now newly unemployed, O MAI GOD DONT SELL YOUR KIDNEYS YOU GAIZ, OK?!!!?? Because some of you may only have the one. And if you sell that also, you might die or something. JUST DON’T DO IT, KAY? Here are some
other helpful tips for your face, mainly because I know none of you read this blog.
1. Do not go out with your disappointing gay best friend because that will be disappointing for your face and unemployment is disappointing enough as it is. If you absolutely must go out, try to go with a homosexual that is willing to really werq that fag bangle thang so you can feel fabulous.
2. Listen to this spanish version of the song ‘Mickey’ because it’s catchy but slightly sloppy. Like unemployment! Not like unemployment. I don’t know why I said that. Also don’t listen to the spanish version of this song sung by small kids because you can get in trouble for doing that kind of thing on the internet.
3. Say ‘Oh, Mickey dónde estás? Cada vez me gustas mas’ to someone whose name isn’t Mickey. This isn’t necessarily a fun thing to do. Anyway.
4. Don’t say ‘aye hip hopper mujhe pyar tu kar’ to anyone because just because you’re unemployed doesn’t mean you have to do that kind of thing, kay?
You’re always a winner to me you gaiz!
konichiwa batches