Subscribe to our noble society for providing the infant negroes in the West Indies
Updated: Aug 4, 2020
This blog post title is a portion of dialogue taken from The Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens and it is rad like I cannot even say. I am going to start a similar society to provide infant browntots in the East Indies with flannel waistcoats and moral pocket-handkerchiefs. I feel like I’ve started many funds and societies like this already but whatever.
This week, I received a handsome book called Kavi Kala created by Madness Mandali, which I have spoken of before on this illustrious blog. Since that before time, the book has worked its way into existence and was mentioned in newspapers and went to Kala Ghoda and illustrious people like Sarnath Banerjee bought a copy. So myself and the onenumber angle given below are giving kaithattals for this kaithattal-worthy endeavor and saying well done all illustrious engsters, we are appreciating like anything.
You want to buy means you can go here and type in ‘Kavi Kala’ and buy.
You want to enter flash fiction contest and possibly be published in Chapati Mystery and possibly win a copy of Zero Degree by Charu Nivedita? Of course you do! That’s why you are clicking this link right now! Yay flash fiction contest! I am judging this contest so if you’d like to send me money or shirtless dancing dudes in order to secure your win, please feel free to do so although whether that will actually improve your chances of winning, I cannot say. It probably won’t. It might. I don’t know.
This week, I also watched a flabbergastingly boring episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Of course this is only the fifth eppy of this season so there’s a good chance it might get even more boring in future, in which case I may have to kill myself because I don’t know what it means if an American reality show about drag queens starts to get boring. Anyway, fave lines from this ‘sode. I can’t even say these are fave lines. These are lines which were less boring than the other lines.
When you weren’t pronouncing your ls and your rs I thought it was a terrible decision. But you know what? That never hurt Barbara Walters.
I can’t do that, I’m way too rock and roll.
(k- At the beginning, I liked Raja a lot but now she’s coming off like such a douche and this is probs one of the douchiest things she’s ever said. At the same time, I think it would be neat to appropriate this to various areas of everyday life. Like someone goes ‘Didn’t you say you had to go to the bathroom?’ and you’re like ‘I can’t do that, I’m way too rock and roll.’)
It’s like that Beyonce feel. Where everywhere you go, you’ve got wind.
(k- Shangela meant like breeze blowing your hair and fabulous gown when you’re being fierce on the runway but this line is way neater if you think she’s talking about flatulence)
You know what VIDA is? It is apparently not that girl group that Channel V made once upon a time because that was VIVA and that apparently is different. VIDA released a study that showed men are published more than women in certain major publications. SHAWKING! Studies like this are neat to me for three reasons. One, it has pie charts and pie charts are rad because you get to see just how bad things are in terms of pie and this is just easier on people like me who can only understand things in terms of pie. Two, it seems to be predominantly American which means this study does not apply to me and that is rad also. Three, these studies lead to awesome comments which are delivered both by males and females, thus proving that at least in the realm of awesome commentary, the gender disparity is not as prevalent and we can take some comfort in that and be happy. Here are some of my personal favorites.
1. Gender doesn’t exist in true writing
I have to admit, I don’t know what ‘true’ writing is. I think it might be the opposite of liesandpropaganda writing but I’m not really sure. Anyway, this comment is the cousinbrother of another toteshaut thing people sometimes say that goes ‘race doesn’t exist’. Really. People actually type that out and it appears on the internet for other people to laugh at. Sometimes people also say, ‘when I see a person, I don’t see their color’ and I’m like really? What do you see? Just an outline? Don’t they all look the same if they are all just outlines? Is it racist for me to say that? Probably. Anyway, just so you know, “Art”, like REAL ART, transcends things like sexuality and gender and race and all that inconsequential stuff and sort of just floats above everything like some large, androgynous art amoeba. If it strikes you that this large, androgynous art amoeba consists of a lot of man’s writing (as opposed to women’s writing), you are not pure enough to appreciate the large, androgynous art amoeba and you should go kill yourself in the face.
2. ‘I think it’s pretty obvious that you just need to be young and a woman to get published nowadays. If you’re a young, nonwhite woman, it’s even easier.’
Also seen as
‘We need to buy more books written by women so people will stop making women feel bad by making pie charts like this because we need to be nice to women and not make pie charts that make them feel bad’
Whenever I hear someone say ‘nowadays’, I feel like they are about to burst into song. I also think it’s one of the raddest things ever to be told that your writing only gets published not because of the writing but because you have a uterus and because you are colored and exotic and stuff like that. It’s also way rad to know there are people out there who support writing by women because it’s women and women are just so women because they are women. Interestingly enough, many of these illustrious individuals don’t actually like to read ‘women’s writing’, they just like supporting it. I think it’s kinda like how you say ‘oh my god, look at the poor little chickens in cages in Bismi Biriyani Center’ and then enter the Bismi Biriyani Center to eat the Bismi Chicken Biriyani Special. It’s actually not like that but whatever.
3. ‘Someone should do a study on how trannies aren’t published enough’
This is supposed to be funny. So first, HAHAHAHAHA! You know why this is funny? Because it has ‘trannies’ in it and trannies is funny! Why? I’m not really sure! I think it’s like when you’re four and ‘peepee’ is funny! Now, once we’re finished laughing at that whole ‘trannies’ thing, which is just so awfully clever, we will seriously contemplate how the entire world is counting on the onenumber Awesome Magazine to accommodate all minorities, thus putting said Awesome Magazine in danger of becoming a large affirmative action NGO dedicated to publishing the voices of the oppressed, downtrodden and overall very sad people. Heavens to Betsy! What shall we do?
I think it’s interesting when certain magazines talk of publishing minorities like they are benevolent despots taking in refugees from some massive global disaster. I think it’s also interesting that if a publication seems to be low on writing from any currently fashionable haut minority, this is somehow the currently fashionable haut minority’s fault. And if the currently fashionable haut minority aren’t appearing in certain publications, we’re supposed to assume this means they’re voiceless and sort of floating around like orphans in this vast, dark sea waiting to be rescued. Really.
I think it would be far more prudent and wise to make a sizable donation to my noble society to provide infant browntots in the East Indies with flannel waistcoats and moral pocket-handkerchiefs. Because later on, you can take pictures of the infant browntots in their flannel waistcoats and moral pocket-handkerchiefs and publish those in the Awesome Magazine so it’s like publishing and minorities and there are pictures and everyone likes pictures.
4. Why Am I Suddenly A Racist For Only Reading/Publishing Stuff Written By Men?
I personally don’t think it’s racist or sexist or whatever to read/publish stuff only written by men. I actually think it’s neat to have that kind of clarity about what you like. What’s confusing is when your heart clearly belongs to men’s writing (as opposed to women’s writing) but you claim to ‘welcome and encourage diverse forms of writing from all over the world, regardless of anything. We even take translations’ and then you continue to publish the same kind of men’s writing over and over again. It’s like that epic fuckwittery that makes publications say ‘we encourage international submissions!’ and then you only accept postal subs and you charge reading fees in dollars and you want to be paid via fluffy pink unicorns and it’s all very
It would really help a lot if you just said ‘we dig men’s writing’ or ‘we welcome and encourage diverse forms of writing as long as it’s men’s writing’. It’s just easier. You know?