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  • Writer's pictureKuzhali Manickavel

We Like Gaiz Yougaiz!!1111

Updated: Aug 3, 2020

This blog post title is awkwardly appropriated from this pic

This gaizappreciation pic is superneat but unfortunately, not very Indian at all. We can know it is not Indian from a number of salient nonIndian features.

  1. The women are white and Indian women can’t be white because they are brown. Indian women are just like you and me expect they are brown yougaiz. The only time Indian women are not brown is when they turn white in order to become awesome wifelets or to get job that involves carrying a laptop and swishing one’s hair in dramatic manner. 

  2. While all Indian women are overwhelmingly heterosexual, it is not part of Indian culture to blatantly advertise one’s female heterosexuality by putting gentshead pictures on the wall, as this is a sign of loosecharacterbehaviors which ultimately leads to the decline of humanity and is also been known to be a strong contributing factor to the hole in the ozone layer.

  3. Indian women do not wear skirts because they only wear Indian clothing which apart from being very Indian, forms a magical forcefield that deflects and prevents sexual molestation, which is something the jeanspant cannot do.

  4. The men on the wall are mostly white and Indian women only like Indian men.

Now this blog will attempt to promote patriotism and nationalist thinking by sharing two very Indian things.

1. I have an echapbook out from Blaft called Eating Sugar, Telling Lies. You can buy it here. Or you can buy it here if you live in the US or UK. Or you can buy it here if you have a Kindle. This is an Indian thing because the title is taken from ancient Indian nursery rhyme which actively promotes criminal activities among the youth as well as juvenile diabetes.

2. My collection’ Insects are Just like You and Me Except Some of them have Wings’ is now available as an ebook and you can buy it here, here and here. This is an Indian thing because some people from other countries have said it is.

Since this blog post started with a very nonIndian thing, it seems appropriate to end on a nonIndian note, specifically what Ghulam Nabi Azad said recently about homosexuality.  The illustrious Wikipedia tells me that he allegedly said that homosexuality was a disease, which is not that interesting because a lot of people like to say that. But he also allegedly said that homosexuality was ‘an import from Western Nations’, which you have to admit is so Indian like pistagreen walls. Shockingly, our illustrious health minister was allegedly misquoted out of context yougaiz, which seems to happen a lot when people talk about homosexuality.

I read about this on some illustrious Indian news sites and because I am stupid, I read the comments that followed the article. And I have to say that the idea that homosexuality is a Western thing is certainly a very popular notion, with an alarming number of people being very keen on drawing parallels between homosexuality and that other horrific Western import, feminism. Apparently the two have a lot in common, the biggest commonality being that they are not Indian. One illustrious individual once informed me that they were both CIA plots which I think is the same as being not Indian. 

Then I thought about how there are certain Western imports which we take very active steps to appropriate. Like M Night Shyamalan. Remember when he got Oscared and we as a nation sort of fell all over ourselves saying that it was his Indianness that made him win? Isn’t that like so embarrassing now yougaiz, especially since people don’t seem to like him as much anymore? Appropriating people who win a Nobel Prize or awesome First World accolades in general is not easy. In some cases, the people haven’t lived in India for eleventytwelvty years or they are like ‘um, I’m not Indian’ and we’re like ‘Oh yes you ARE!! AND WE’RE GOING TO PROVE IT !!111’ If homosexuality or feminism won an Oscar or something, maybe all the haters would stop hating, at least in a kneejerk sort of way. On the other hand, during the ensuing appropriation process we may have to prove that India invented homosexuality and women. That might be really hard yougaiz.



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