Why Aren’t You Writing A Novel? Why Aren’t You Married? Why Why Why?
Updated: Aug 6, 2020
I really think it is awesome when people get married or write novels. Some have even managed to do both these things simultaneously at the same time, which is more awesomer. But some of us keep getting molested because we aren’t writing a novel or aren’t married. I think this is very notnice. I mean, I don’t go around molesting people because they ARE married or ARE doing the novel thing. To quote an old classmate of mine ‘what it seems for her, ya? what for her face it seems?’
I have no answers to this. However, I do have this questionable list of methods which can be used to combat people who molest unmarried, unnovelized people.
1. Tell Them Your Genitals Have Fallen Off
This works. For realz. Also, people who want to push you into marriage usually don’t like to hear the word ‘genitals’ so it can be a lot of fun to just say it repeatedly for no reason. For instance, “Yes of course it is my duty to get married. Did you know your ears look like genitals?” On the novel front, people may think not writing a novel because you have no genitalia makes total sense because sometimes people are really stupid.
2. Tell Them You Can’t Read
On the marriage front, while people may not make the connection that reading and marriage aren’t necessarily related, they may volunteer to teach you to read because this is a knee-jerk response people have when confronted with the illiterate. If this happens, ask them to give you money to fund reading classes instead. This sometimes works on the novel front, even if the novel-pusher is aware that you have already written non-novel things. The bottom line is that they will probably give you free money which is awesome for you.
3. Yen Soga Kathaya Kelu Thaikullamai
Sloppy translation from Tamil- Listen to my sad story, oh legion of mothers. In other words, go into extensive, graphic and unnecessary detail about your bad relationships and failed novel manuscripts. If you don’t have any, make some up. When speaking in person, hold the other person’s hands tightly so they can’t get away from you. Call them numerous times a day and get into conversations that extend for many many hours where you don’t give them a chance to speak. Bombard them with long emails and leave embarrassing messages on their Facebook wall. While time-consuming, this method is incredibly effective.
4. What Do You Mean, Of Course I Have A Novel/ Am Married!
This involves pulling out imaginary novels and introducing people to imaginary spouses. On the marriage front, it is funner to introduce things like tables or somebody’s handbag as your spouse. On the novel front, make an elaborate show of opening the book, pointing to certain passages and telling tedious “inspiration” stories. More fun can be had by pointing to certain sections and asking the novel-pusher to read them out loud because it “really resonates aurally.”
5. Cry Uncontrollably
Unfortunately this only works in person but it’s so effective, it can be used to deal with many other things as well. As soon as anyone broaches the topic of marriage or writing a novel, just start to cry very loudly, eyes shut, maybe wave your hands a little. If you feel so inclined, you can also move around in a haphazard manner, throwing yourself against other people and against the wall.
Unmarried, unnovelized ladies and gentlemen, it stops here. Take a stand. Be counted. Say it’s not okay. Say other stuff too.